There is literally no wrong way to be female

A commenter by the name of Thomas Reyes stopped by to say hello on my Leaving the Trans Cult post. Here is my answer to his comment:

“Just bc a couple of trans people had a bad take doesn’t mean that you should have decided we all hate you. I really appreciate the time and effort that you originally put in to trying to understand where we are coming from. Trans people have such varied view points and I find myself isolated from the entire most of the community bc of the differences between us. Being trans is just a deeply isolating experience.”

It’s not just “a couple of trans people” who “had a bad take.” Misogyny and homophobia are essential and fundamental components of trans activism and it’s not just a few bad apples, it’s the entire belief system and everyone who upholds it. I’ll agree with you that trans people have a variety of viewpoints, and there are in fact some trans people who I get along with just fine. I don’t actually hate people who transition. I hate misogyny and homophobia.

“Being trans is hard. Every time I go on the internet I am reminded that a huge portion of the population thinks I need to be fixed or killed or that I should just fuck off and never make my problems visible. When cis people that I am friends with say shit that makes me scared that they are among that group of people I usually just try to talk to them about it. But sometimes it’s too scary, I understand why many trans people respond so intensely.”

Is that true though? I don’t know if a “huge portion of the population” wants you killed. I would guess that plenty of dumb assholes with no brain cells probably say some really hateful stuff in the comments below articles and YouTube videos. If I wanted to get really depressed, I’d take those dumb assholes really seriously and fall into despair. But what about thoughtful people who write coherent replies in complete sentences and whole paragraphs? Do any of them want you dead? I honestly doubt it. I think that all sane, regular people are fairly okay with people making body modifications.

I hardly think this needs to be said, but I do not want any trans people killed. I’m not even trying to stop anyone from getting body modifications. Everyone is welcome to do what they want with their own body.

Regarding the word “fixed—” gosh, I think that’s an entire discussion on its own. How would you “fix” a trans person, exactly? Like, I don’t think that people with dysphoria really need any fixing, they just need help with a mental health problem. There’s no shame in that—I’ve needed help with mental health issues throughout most of my life. I’ll probably need help again a few more times. But that doesn’t make any of us “wrong,” it’s just part of the experience of being human. It’s a struggle to learn how to live our lives in a way that feels comfortable.

I could go on about the word “fix.” I think it’s actually trans activists who want to “fix” dysphoric people. Trans activists think dysphoric people absolutely need extensive body modifications because they can’t go on the way they are. But those of us who are radical feminist/gender critical think that trans people don’t need fixing. We believe that all bodies are acceptable, that all personalities and styles are acceptable, and that anybody can express who they are without changing, lying about, or hiding anything.

“I think the girl brain boy body or vice versa shit is stupid. I have no idea why I’m trans. But please understand that when cis people talk about it its predicated on the assumption that if we cant give them a good enough reason then we should die or have to go back to our gender assigned at birth. Last year I tried to be a girl again and it was one of the worst years of my life. I felt so unlike myself and I found it impossible to speak to people. I dont know why I’m trans but I know that I am not a woman. That is all that I have. We are not a united group.”

Whoa, whoa, WHOA. Do you think that I want you to “go back to the gender you were assigned at birth”? Let’s start right at the beginning here and correct the dozen mistaken assumptions in that comment.

Firstly, humans are born with a sex. Nobody assigns a sex to a baby;  the sex is simply observed. However, society assigns a gender role to everyone based on cultural ideas about who boys and girls are. Masculinity is assigned to males and femininity is assigned to females. The feminist movement has been fighting against this for decades because this is harmful to everyone, but it’s especially harmful to girls and women, who are at the bottom of the power imbalance of patriarchy. (We are losing the battle because we are ruled by capitalism and capitalism sells the idea of masculinity and femininity in their advertising to sell more stuff.)

As a feminist, I oppose assigning gender roles to anyone, and I do not want kids to have sexist ideas forced on them. People should be allowed to express themselves as they naturally are.

So let’s get back to this “going back to the gender you were assigned at birth” comment. I do not want any women to feel they have to perform a feminine gender role. A person should only be feminine if their personality is naturally feminine. If you don’t enjoy being feminine, then I definitely do not want you to attempt to fake it just to please other people. Nope, nope, NOPE.

However, the SEX you were born with is female, and at no point have you ever stopped being female. You’re still female now and always will be. Being female simply means having female reproductive organs. A woman is an adult human female. If you are born female, and you reach adulthood, you are a woman. All the cultural expectations of what women are is another topic entirely.

It’s scientifically impossible to stop being the sex you were born. It’s also unnecessary. Whether your body came with equipment to produce sperm or ova absolutely should not define who you are. (It only defines who you are because we live in a patriarchy. Feminists oppose defining people by their sex.)

You say that you “tried to be a girl” as if there is some effort involved in this. There is no effort required on your part in order to be a girl. A girl is a young female human. Being a girl is the state of being a young female human. It’s not a performance. It’s just your biological reality. There is absolutely nothing you have to do to be a girl other than (1) be a young female human and (2) exist. There is no more to it than that. Every time someone tells you that you have to act a certain way because you’re a girl, that’s called sexism. As a feminist, I strongly oppose anyone making you think that girls have to perform or work at anything in order to be considered girls. Sexism harms all girls and women, even those who appear to embrace sexist stereotypes.

Every single human female on the planet is “being a girl” correctly, because there is no wrong way to be female. Every personality that every female has is correct, every feeling she has is correct, every style and interest she has is correct, and every way she has of relating to her body is correct. Feeling uncomfortable with breasts and periods is a female experience, and taking testosterone to appear more masculine is a female experience. There is literally nothing you can do to fuck up being female. Nothing. You’re doing it right no matter what.

“Have you ever been close to a trans woman? My girlfriend is very nice.”

No. Why would I? I’m a lesbian. I’m not interested in any kind of man. I prefer that men just leave me alone. Men who make body modifications aren’t any more interesting to me than men who don’t, except for when they campaign to take away women’s rights, and then I’m only interested in them in a political sense, in order to fight their misogyny.

Thanks for stopping by! Feel free to do more reading.

8 thoughts on “There is literally no wrong way to be female

  1. I hope you are doing well, purplesage. It’s good to read you again.

    I was watching a sitcom a while back, I forget which one, but a woman made a statement about her daughter, saying that her baseball mitt, her basketball, her cleats, all her sports stuff were “girl things” because they belonged to a girl.

    Why must we separate our “soul”, or whatever males call it, from our bodies? As an atheist leaning agnostic, I don’t believe in souls or that we are 2 separate parts consisting of our body as one part and our soul, or essence, or ladybrain as the 2nd part.

    I guess trans are Christian. Which explains their view of women and their hatred for us.

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  2. Hi PurpleSageFem, I’ve commented here before. I was the one who mentioned that many (I’ll change that to ‘some’, since trans is now a trend that’s grown so huge in part due to hypersexualization and 21st century misogyny-on-steroids) female born trans people aren’t stupid, we know males have dicks and rape, and those of us that felt severe physical dysphoria from a young age, never wanted to grow breasts/hips/menstruate/get penetrated/have children, etc., are just trying to exist in a world that hates us.

    I’ve read tons of radical feminist theory, I have no illusions about “gender” as anything but a process of indoctrinating two castes–cruel sadistic emotionally stunted men and their Stockholmed, appearance-obsessed slaves. As for sex, I know I will never be male, although I am intersex (a form of CAH), I am an intersex female who has chosen to modify my body and hormones to lessen my dysphoria and be able to coexist in this world without being constantly enraged and in danger, with none of the consolation prizes or not-quite-compensatory pleasures that most other females seem to enjoy. I lived my way of being female and being read as an “incorrect female” for decades, by the way.

    Men run the world and it’s not going to change in my lifetime, in fact shit has only gotten WAY WORSE. When I was a kid in the 1980s, I wasn’t ridiculed for playing with “boy toys”. When I was a teenager, girls may have shied away from the term “feminist”, but it at least didn’t meant “empowered Slutwalker who loves penis and babies, or else self-flagellates for not wanting to get fucked by penis if that penis is black or trans”. When I was a kid, women didn’t have to look fuckable to be hired or to not be sneered at by both sexes.

    You will probably mention the lesbian community now. First of all, lesbians exist in this culture like everyone else. As a severely dysphoric intersex female who also hates penetration and being passive in any way including being touched anywhere, I am a stone top in theory. After years of being one in practice I realized (years ago btw) that giving women pleasure and being expected to feel like “I get pleasure from pleasuring you” is nothing more than the flip side (minus the lack of rape threat, pregnancy/STI risk, physical discomfort, and gruesome power dynamics) of a woman getting pleasure from how she “satisfies her man in bed”, or how “hot” he thinks she is. If I was male I would be able to get added PHYSICAL pleasure by actively fuckING another person to facilitate my orgasm, so giving them an orgasm too would be equal. But I am not male, and the way my body works due to intersex or whatever, unless a woman could momentarily turn into a pillow I could hump to orgasm and she could gain sexual pleasure from doing so (impossible of course, can you just imagine, “I’m an FtP–female to pillow, but I think it’s just a sexual fetish for me and my partner), there is no way for me to gain sexual pleasure in any way other than solo sex.

    To say “sex isn’t just for sexual pleasure,” again, I think this is the flip side of het females who accept sex without physical pleasure because “there’s so much more to it!!” Could you imagine a male of any ” gender identity” or sexuality accepting this and going on pleasuring their partners without a payoff themselves? No way. This is the kind of thing that made trans theory so tantalizing in my naive days, “no women think like this, you’re too selfish, stop acting like a man”. Because what is common sense desire for pleasure and avoidance of pain is seen as normal in a male and pathologically selfish in a female. These days, girls aren’t even allowed to avoid blatant violence in sex, let alone refusing getting ass-reamed or PiV because she doesn’t like it/it hurts/it’s risky/it doesn’t get her off.

    Given this situation, and my general feeling that sex/ uality is OVEREMPHASIZED in society, and that defining swathes of the population by their view of others’ genitals is IMO penis-centered bullshit, and the fact that all the women I dated in college and in my 20s and the vast majority of the then-lesbians I knew are now married to men and have kids (I am vehemently childfree and love cats and dogs, not babies), as well as my past experience in that community, I do not see it–and have not found it to be–a place I am comfortable to be myself, nor do I think it is relevant to my situation as an onanist who is attracted to women, a dysphoric childfree intersex person who passes as a man, and someone who has always hated the term “butch” (although it had been used for years to describe me by people who judged by appearance and social persona only). I also do not see anything positive for me about having female biological parts and dreaded puberty from when I first learned about it. A community that celebrates having female biology and sexing others with female biology is simply not suitable, even if the women involved weren’t involved in a temporary “lifestyle”. I’m also older than most who seem to form communities based on sexuality. It’s hard enough to find a new friend (as opposed to casual acquaintance) of any sexuality or any non/conformity to heteronormative gender roles at my age.

    By the way, I believe the glut of “non binary”, “genderqueer”, and “trans masculine” females in the current iteration of most lesbian communities will eventually give it up the way the majority of the then-“lesbians” of my erstwhile youth are now het-married with kids. Analogous to the minority of women who remained lesbian, an even smaller minority of the gender-happy females are actually sexed body-sad with severe PHYSICAL dysphoria they’ve had since youth that only worsens in their thirties. They will eventually seek body and hormone modification and try to pass as a man. Those who can’t will either accept being seen as a trans man or else detransition and be again read as a butch lesbian, with all the accompanying stereotypes. Many in the current community–whether “cis” or gender-happy–will also end up with males (including gender-happy and therefore happily penis-pronging males) and children, perhaps an even higher percentage than in my day for a number of reasons I won’t get into here.

    I am autistic (Asperger diag before it was subsumed under autism spectrum disorder in DSM V) and very introverted. I don’t like confrontation or being assumed to be a walking political statement, which is sadly what anyone recognized as female who is not at all feminine is taken to be. This is why I don’t like the term “gender nonconforming”–as a young adult, I didn’t not wear makeup or shave etc to not conform or make a feminist statement. I didn’t do it because I never had, never wanted to, found all of it uncomfortable and felt a great deal of dislike towards it. I wasn’t assertive or closed to males recognizing me as a female and treating me as such because I was “feminist” or “a strong woman” or “fighty and feisty” or a “boss bitch”, but because I was just behaving naturally in spite of the negative consequences because autism, and an innate sense of repulsion towards trying to behave otherwise even if I could learn it and fake it convincingly. Other than the obvious physical dangers of this from het males, and appearance-based cruelty poorly disguised as “makeover advice” by gay males who use the word “bitch” almost as frequently as the average “rap artist” in this week’s Top 40 , I have been treated poorly by women too. I have not had many female friendships from the onset of puberty to before I started passing thanks to hormones and surgery.

    This became a novel, but I wanted you to see that yes, there is no wrong way to be female, but maybe a person who has suffered horribly with physical dysphoria, a lack of enjoyment of any aspect of female embodiness or sociality, as well as the lifelong negative social ramifications and growing threat-of-rape-and-violence dangers of being an extremely atypical adult human female may, after decades of trying in an increasingly sexualized misogynist zeitgeist, want some relief.

    No one should spend every day of their life miserable and yet hyper-visible in a body you didn’t want just for the sake of corporeal integrity, or because there are others suffering similar indignities, or because being a martyr for femaleness or an inspiration to some random little girl is worth it.

    Transition should be a Hail Mary, last option kind of thing. Trans “visibility” and the “movement”–in its backwards denial of biological sex traits, transing kids, pushing stupid and counter-productive, dysphoria-inducing language changes like “pregnant people”, and covering up the truth about MtF rapeyness–is very clearly not about helping the rare sex dysphoric person.

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  3. TERF is not a slur. Trans Exclusionary Radical Feminist is an acronym used to describe people who exclude trans people on anti science basis and refuse to acknowledge said science no matter how much MORE research there is confirming Trans and Nonbinary existence over the tiny set of papers trying to say we don’t. As far as i’ve researched(and i had to do quite a bit to make sure i wasn’t pissing about with my gender), every study i found telling me i WAS being stupid had been peer reviewed and agreed to have been carried out under inadequate circumstances, usually talking not to trans people themselves, but to the parents and friends of them.

    I have a massive research document if you would like to see my sources. I am not a troll, i am a real person who wants dignity and respect as the human i am. im only commenting this on the most recent post so you might see it. i dont expect you to respond. in fact i suspect you’ll delete this and stay in the bubble of fearful safety youve made for yourself. i recommend reading current scientific research though.

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    • Boy Rook, you sure have a lot of energy to type angrily on an old blog! Are you bored because of coronavirus quarantine? Look, I’ve thoroughly debunked all of transgender ideology already, and there is a mountain of evidence that terf is a slur (documented on many sites, most notably https://terfisaslur.com/). You’re late to this party and you know less about this topic than I do. Good luck to you.

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