Men hate us

In my last anti-porn article someone made a comment that I “openly hate men.” I was thinking of writing a response to that but I found I didn’t feel like explaining it. Women have been accused of hating men so many times, and it’s been explained so many times that expecting men to stop abusing us doesn’t amount to us “hating” them.

Then I saw this picture yesterday and it’s the perfect illustration of how men openly hate women.

This banner was hung by misogynist frat boys near the University of Cincinnati:

gag

This banner was created to warn (threaten?) women that if they come near they can expect to be given rough blow jobs (which means having a penis shoved down their throats until they gag.) The fact that the text is addressed to a parent of the woman instead of the woman herself makes it even more creepy. The words “your daughter” makes it sound like their target victim is a young woman, presumably a college freshman. The fact that they are addressing this to a parent of a college freshman makes it sound as though the message is addressed to parents (most likely fathers) who are dropping off their freshman daughters at college for the first time. They don’t seem to be the least bit ashamed of communicating to fathers what they will be doing to abuse their daughters. It seems as though they are expecting other men to find this funny.

This banner displays several things:

  • Men are quite proud of their misogyny and their desire to hurt women
  • Men think the abuse women endure in porn is a legitimate thing to do to women
  • Men assume that there will be no negative consequences when they abuse women (and they’re right—just a few days ago Global News reported that only 3% of sexual assault reports in Vancouver result in convictions—and the numbers are similar everywhere else. Men are effectively allowed to abuse women because there are rarely ever negative consequences for them when they do.)
  • Men don’t give a flying fuck about the way they make women feel with their disgusting behavior.

In Germany, where prostitution is legal, billboards like this show up around town:

german ad

(This image is taken from an excellent article by Manuela Schon which is an absolute must-read by the way.)

Can you imagine being a German woman and whenever you leave the house you see billboards advertising pussy for sale? How can you ever develop a sense of self or a healthy relationship with a man when your genitals are literally consumer products that men own and can buy and sell as they please?

It doesn’t matter where you are in the world—men consider women to be commodities that they own and can use however they want. In the so-called “developed” world we create ridiculous amounts of pornography, which is simply prostitution with a camera, and there are large problems with human trafficking (often of teenagers), child abuse, child porn, and intimate partner violence. In other countries, women are literal sex slaves and child brides and are open targets for rape. Men are never ashamed of the way they behave. They call it either “culture” or “religion” or “free speech” or “the woman’s choice” or any number of bullshit excuses without ever feeling an ounce of shame that they’re behaving like monsters from hell.

A father in Australia was put in jail for raping his own daughter from age 11 to 13 and selling her to other men to rape using ads on Craigslist. When he went to jail he said “it was fun while it lasted.”

The youngest convicted rapist is 11 years old. A boy in the U.K raped his sister, aged 9, two times. No doubt he learned this violent behavior from porn, which men around the world defend as “free speech.” The freedom for men to abuse women and to groom young boys into becoming abusers is protected above the freedom of women and girls to be safe from abuse. You can definitely make a case that exposure to pornography is child abuse against boys too. However, since it’s girls on the receiving end of that abuse I’m going to put my energy and compassion toward them.

When someone accuses me of “hating men,” my first reaction is “of course I do.” How can anyone not hate men? Their behavior is so terrible I’d be quite happy to never see another one of them again as long as I live. But you know what you will never see me do? You’ll never see me actually treating men as badly as they treat women. I have no desire to harm anyone—I just want to live in peace without being abused. When I’m accused of hating men, and this goes for all feminists, what we’re usually actually doing is pointing out their terrible behavior and expressing our rage. And when we fantasize about a world without men, most of the time we’re not fantasizing about literally killing them, we just want to get away from them and have some peace.

There are a tiny amount of feminists who advocate for reducing the male population by killing male babies. You’ll notice, however, that they haven’t actually carried out this plan, it’s been limited to just commentary on the Internet, and most feminists don’t agree with this idea. Male babies aren’t generally at risk of anything in the real world except for the grooming and abuse they’ll experience from adult men, and from things like racism, poverty, and violence which are largely perpetrated by men.

I mostly don’t want any men around me because I get so tired of dealing with sexism, mansplaining and macho behavior. But like everyone else in the world, I realize it’s #notallmen, and I do have a couple of male friends in real life who are really fun to drink beer and play cards with. There are about four or five men who read my blog who are pro-feminist and I don’t mind them commenting. Because it’s not about actually hating people on the basis of being male, it’s about hating macho male behavior, and so it follows that if you’re acting like a decent human being then I don’t have a problem with you.

It’s men who openly hate women. They proudly proclaim that hate all the time and act on it whenever they want to, because they like it and they can.

Demisexuality and You

According to the Demisexuality Resource Center, demisexuality is:

“a sexual orientation in which someone feels sexual attraction only to people with whom they have an emotional bond. Most demisexuals feel sexual attraction rarely compared to the general population, and some have little to no interest in sexual activity.”

So, like most people, demisexuals need to get to know a person before feeling sexual attraction to them, rather than just dropping their pants the second they’ve been introduced.

“Emotional intimacy is a main component, usually, so some demisexuals find themselves attracted to close friends or romantic partners. Other components may include familiarity with the person and knowledge about them (ex: learning about aspects of their personality).”

How unusual! Feeling attracted to one’s romantic partner, and needing to know aspects of someone’s personality before feeling attracted!

“Most people on the non-asexual side of the spectrum feel sexual attraction regardless of whether or not they have a close emotional bond with someone. They may have sexual feelings for attractive people on the street, classmates or coworkers they’ve barely spoken to, or celebrities. However, they may choose to wait to have sex for a variety of reasons: it might not be feasible or appropriate, they want to make sure the person is respectful and kind, it’s against their religious beliefs, they only want to have sex in a romantic relationship, etc.”

Okay, this website is definitely describing everybody. Of course you don’t have sex with every single person you like the looks of! People only have sex when it’s “feasible and appropriate,” as noted above by the Demisexuals.

The reason why perfectly normal people are having to label their perfectly normal feelings as “demisexual” is because the way they are expected to behave otherwise is fucked up, and they need an excuse to opt out of it. The way they are expected to behave is like they are in a porn movie. Due to both porn itself and a porn-soaked culture that turns every last bit of popular culture into a promotional ad for porn, people are going around thinking that they need to dress like a porn star, take off their clothes at random, have sex as an ice-breaker activity, and say yes to any sexual act all the time no matter what. Take for example, this situation witnessed at the University of California-Berkeley campus:

“Groups of girls were clacking along the street in their party uniforms: short skirts, bare midriffs, five-inch heels. One of them stopped and lifted her skirt above her waist, revealing a tiny thong, a flat belly, and some righteously toned glutes. She looked happy and strong, laughing, surrounded by friends, having fun. Then she turned toward a building where two bros, appraising the relative “hotness” of those trying to gain entrée to their party, were posted by the door.”

As Gail Dines always says, you can either be fuckable or invisible. If you’re a woman who doesn’t want to lift up your mini-skirt and show off your thong in order for frat boys to rate your “hotness,” then you’re a boring, old-fashioned, anti-sex prude. Hence women having to label themselves “demisexual” in order to convey to people that they actually want to have a conversation with a guy and determine that he has at least two brain cells and isn’t an asshole before her skirt comes off.

The culture young people are growing up in is a porn culture. Not only are youth watching actual porn starting at age 11, they are also witnessing a consumerist, individualist pro-capitalist culture that sells women and girls as consumer products at every turn. Even before the Internet, young people tended to believe that everyone was having sex but them; now the problem is certainly worse. After spending hours online watching videos in which every woman says “yes” and sex occurs anytime, anywhere, between anybody, at the drop of a hat, anyone who attempts to assert boundaries and pursue a healthy and rewarding sexual and romantic life will feel like a deviant.

Let’s take at look at 17 Confessions From People Who Identify as Demisexual, posted on hellogiggles.com.

  1. It is so hard to explain to people that I don’t feel arousal unless there is a very close bond (I’m demisexual) but am still a very sexual person.
  2. I’m demisexual, but I’m scared people will judge me because I don’t want to have sex with them straight away or have a one night stand.
  3. I’m demisexual and it’s a little frustrating. When I’m with my friends they’ll say “omg he’s so hot” meanwhile I’m thinking “I wonder if he has a good personality.”
  4. I hate being demisexual. Crushes are either extremely rare or they last for way too long. I wish I was normal.
  5. I question every part of who I am. When men find out I’m demisexual, they usually stop talking to me.
  6. I am demisexual and I feel like no one understands that I can’t just give you a try and love you, I really can’t.
  7. As a demisexual, if you ask for sex on the first date, you have no chance with me.
  8. I’m demisexual and an introvert, so casual dating isn’t an option for me…I wish I could be like everyone else.
  9. Dating woes: Being demisexual. Maybe one day I’ll find a guy who understands and respects what I cannot change.
  10. I’m demisexual. All the people I’ve slept with I wasn’t attracted to, they just got me aroused and I’m too shy to say no so I went with it.
  11. Just because I’m demisexual doesn’t mean I don’t want a serious, loving relationship.
  12. I’m demisexual. When I admitted that to someone I thought was my friend, they laughed in my face. I just want to be accepted for being me.
  13. I’m demisexual. Always have been, but when I was younger I felt bad for the guys so I would pretend I wasn’t.
  14. Being a demisexual female in a world where all guys seem to want is sex is really discouraging.
  15. The problem with being demisexual is that I can’t relate when people talk about stuff like dates with random people. I feel like I’m the odd one out and sometimes it feels like I’m the only one.
  16. I’m Demisexual and I love sex with my boyfriend but I don’t NEED it. He just doesn’t seem to understand.
  17. I’m finally being honest about myself. I’m demisexual. I’m done pretending to have sexual desire before I’m ready. If guys can’t handle that, they don’t deserve me.

This article doesn’t name the sex of the writers, but judging by what they’re writing I’d say they’re all female. I say that because they’re writing about the standard experience of being female in a porn-soaked patriarchy. These women think that everyone around them finds fulfillment in jumping into bed with random people they don’t even know. Nope. Even the people doing that aren’t finding fulfillment from it, or at least, the women aren’t. I did the whole casual sex thing when I was younger, and at the time I would have told you that it was fun, but I’m older and more mature now. I know that good sex isn’t based on the “hotness” of the participants, or how “extreme” the performance is. (Speaking of “hotness,” I’m going to quote this article again where the author quotes Ariel Levy:

“As journalist Ariel Levy pointed out in her book, Female Chauvinist Pigs, “hot” is not the same as “beautiful” or “attractive”: It is a narrow, commercialized vision of sexiness that, when applied to women, can be reduced to two words: “fuckable” and “sellable.”

Like I was saying, good sex is not based on being “hot,” it’s based on connection and chemistry. It’s good when you really want each other, because you know each other and you have developed feelings for each other, and when you’re feeling sexual tension because of your mutual attraction, and when you are excited to know that your partner wants you as much as you want them. This sort of connection cannot happen instantly—that’s impossible. (It can’t be bought or sold, either.) Chemistry and attraction are things people develop gradually through interaction with each other.

What these “demisexual” women don’t realize is that, despite feeling like they’re abnormal, they have actually figured out the secret to good sex ahead of their peers. They are on the path to have satisfying sex, while their porn-addicted peers are going to have to unlearn a whole bunch of harmful beliefs and habits before they can actually enjoy themselves in bed. Getting validation that you are “fuckable” only feels good in a superficial, fleeting way. After putting up with a bunch of disrespectful and ineffective lovers, even the “fuckable” women will get tired of the whole charade and want to find the same sort of relationship the demisexuals are looking for.

Demisexuals aren’t missing out on anything if misogynist sleazebags stop talking to them upon finding out they are demisexual. They should actually breathe a sigh of relief because they have dodged a bullet.

It’s interesting to note that “demi” means half. Does demisexual mean half sexual? It’s like these people believe that they’re missing something or they aren’t sexual enough. This belief is not just limited to the Tumblr Speshul Snowflake community, it’s everywhere else too. There is a thing called “Hypoactive Sexual Desire Disorder,” which is a medical euphemism for “bitches not putting out enough,” and apparently around one third of women have this “condition.” But if that many people have “low desire,” can that even be called “low”? Perhaps the bar is being set too high. Low desire in comparison to what, exactly?

What women need to learn is that whatever their sexual interest level is, that is the normal level. There is no such thing as being “half sexual” or “hyposexual” because there is no universal measuring stick that everyone has to meet. Women are not responsible for providing their bodies to men to use. Men have their hands and they have tube socks—they are going to be just fine. Women are allowed to decide when and how and with whom to have sex, and we’re also allowed to not want it at all, and this doesn’t require an excuse, a label, or an explanation.

The unfortunate sexualization of schoolgirls

Another one of those articles came up where schoolgirls are being asked to wear longer skirts to school to avoid getting assaulted by male students and teachers. These articles are a dime a dozen, of course—this happens all the bloody time, all over the world. This one took place in New Zealand and the following bullshit went down:

“Teenage girls at a New Zealand high school have reportedly been told to lower their skirts to knee level so as not to “distract” male students and teachers.

Around 40 students in year 11 at Henderson high school in Auckland were called to a meeting and told by deputy principal Cherith Telford that their skirts would need to be lowered to knee level, Newshub reports.

Telford said the move was designed to “keep our girls safe, stop boys from getting ideas and create a good work environment for male staff.”

Luckily, they interviewed a feminist who explained that this is victim-blaming. Since I am a radical feminist, I’m going to do more than name this as victim-blaming, I’m going to do a full analysis. (Sorry arainandagale, I know you’ve had enough depressing stuff, but the thing is, every day the patriarchy gives me a new thing to rant about.)

Let’s look at the context in which these girls have been told to lower their skirt length, shall we? We live in a culture in which schoolgirls are constantly sexualized. The most popular genre in the multi-billion dollar porn industry is teen, in which teen girls who are often 18 but made to look younger than 18 are sexually abused by older men, often in ways that explicitly present an incestuous relationship or a teacher-student situation. That’s because men really love abusing their power to sexually assault vulnerable girls. The schoolgirl uniform itself is sexualized—women in porn often wear it to accentuate their youth and the “schoolgirl” uniform is an outfit you can buy in shops that sell sex toys. The uniform of the schoolgirl is literally fetish gear for adults.

The principal of this school is quoted as saying she didn’t want male students “getting ideas.” I think they definitely will get ideas—they will get them from the porn culture we live in, there’s no way around that. They will get the idea that women and girls owe them sex, that we are objects for their use, that our purpose is to give them boners, and that if we aren’t happy about this arrangement we aren’t real women. Unfortunately, changing the length of the girls’ skirts won’t convince boys that their female classmates are full human beings when everything in their world is telling them otherwise.

The principal also mentions wanting to create a “good work environment for male staff.” I wonder, if the students’ skirts were one inch shorter, why would that create a bad work environment? Will male teachers suddenly be unable to teach a math lesson or grade papers because of the girls’ skirts? (sarcasm)

Everybody knows what kind of culture we live in. Only radical feminists will admit this out loud, but we know that adult men routinely sexualize girls and will assault them when they get the chance. Adults who care about girls will often take ineffectual measures to supposedly keep girls “safe” without actually doing anything to prevent men from assaulting them. This is one such case.

This principal correctly identifies that both adult men and teen boys are threats to girls’ safety, and she knows why this is. So, does she fight against the porn culture that is teaching boys and men that girls are things for them to use? No. Does she push for better rates of rape convictions for perpetrators? No. Does she educate about consent? No. Does she target the men whose behaviours are a problem? No. Does she fight to liberate the female sex class from male control? No. Instead, she tells the girls to wear longer skirts. This strategy makes her feel like she is doing something, even though the power and privilege that men enjoy that allows them to assault women and girls remains completely intact. It doesn’t matter a bit how long or short their skirts are. Men will assault women and girls no matter what we are wearing. Quite often we are wearing jeans and a T shirt. Sexual assault has nothing to do with clothing, it has to do with men’s power over women and their enjoyment of domination. Men assault women because they can and they like to.

When we teach girls that they are little seductive temptresses for men, they can react in a couple of ways. They can learn to sexualize their own subordination and their vulnerability, and become the best sex objects they can be, taking pleasure in getting superficial approval from men who don’t actually respect them, or they can take the opposite approach, becoming unfeminine, hiding under baggy clothes, avoiding men, or not identifying as women. Some girls decide, if that’s what women are, then I must not be one. Teaching them to cover up or get assaulted doesn’t keep them safe, and it only makes things worse, because it teaches them that they are sex objects and that they have to accept this fate and take full responsibility for how men decide to use them.

The only thing that would actually keep these girls safe is to overthrow the patriarchy. End the sexualization of girls, end the porn industry, put rapists in jail, and give women and girls control over their own bodies. These should be the goals of anyone who is trying to protect girls.

50 Shades is now a brand name

I shouldn’t really be surprised.

There is a line of “50 Shades of Grey” themed sex toys. I found this article because Gail Dines linked to it to talk about how many different industries are all “in bed with” the porn industry. By the time the next 50 Shades film comes out, there will be a whole line of products to go with it, as well as pop songs released from the soundtrack. Fifty shades will be everywhere you look. The film is sold to us as edgy and sexy, but it’s a story of a man stalking, abusing, and manipulating a naive woman.

When several industries at once are all advertising a product, it’s hard to escape from seeing it. When I’m streaming pop music online, one of the songs that plays is “Love Me Like You Do” from the 50 Shades soundtrack. When I go around town before the film is released I see large ads for it everywhere. Even though I haven’t read the book or seen the first film, I know all about it.

We’re told that the product being sold in this case is a sexy love story that women are into—that’s how they brand it. But the character Ana is ridiculously naive, she is in college and has never had an orgasm before—as if! She is presented as downright childlike. And Christian is an abuser who controls her. The same dynamic is at play here that is presented in porn. Men are dominant and seek women who are powerless, youthful and naive. Men groom the childlike women to do exactly what they want. This is really the foundation of patriarchy—the unequal relationship between older, dominant men and younger, submissive women—and we are supposed to find this inequality sexy.

This film will serve as grooming material for the next generation of girls. They are told this is a sexy, edgy film for women, and they will go see it and learn to sexualize their own submission. I’m not trying to say that this film alone with groom them. The entire culture brings us the same message over and over. It’s this film along with everything else—particularly internet porn, but also a lot of other media.

I looked at the Fifty Shades line of products out of curiosity. It is a full line of sex toys, many of them standard items like condoms and lube, and of course BDSM items such as rope and restraints. They have named the items in specific ways to market them. Some of the product names are “Totally His Soft Handcuffs” and “Ultimate Control Handcuff Restraint Set” and “Promise to Obey Arm Restraints.” So the sexiness of submitting to an abuser is written right into the product names.

We live under capitalist rule. The capitalists create our culture through the media and the branding of the products they sell. You’ll notice that they aren’t trying to sell equal, consensual relationships—they’re just trying to sell abusive sexuality. They are saturating our culture with it so that all of us will sexualize abuse.

By the way, you can even buy Christian Grey’s tie. You know you live in a capitalist patriarchy when they are selling us a cheap version of a tie worn by an abuser in a bad film as if it’s a thing you’d want to use to turn you on during sex. I’m sure they outsourced the actual manufacture of the tie to a poor country to be sewn by underpaid garment workers—companies in North America don’t actually make anything, they just create brands. I can’t imagine anyone getting turned on by having their partner wear a cheap tie made in an overseas garment factory and branded by a bunch of assholes who think that male violence against women is sexy. This situation just makes me want to projectile vomit.

50 shades

I’ve said that many of the items in this line of products are standard sex toys. What do you want to bet that these items will cost more just because they’re branded as 50 Shades of Grey gear? I mean, one of the items they’re selling is tape to tie people up with. I bet the 50 Shades tape costs way more than the exact same roll of tape that you could get at a hardware store.

The commercialization of sexuality never leads anywhere good. I am a firm believer that sex doesn’t have to cost anything at all—it’s something you and your partner have all the necessary equipment for on your body. And if you do experiment with props and equipment, the best stuff to get is not overpriced crap that has been branded by a bad film, but things that are good quality and will contribute to a healthy and joyful experience.

In which I get pissed off because sex-pozzies are so dishonest about porn

Recently Gail Dines was in a discussion with Women’s Health magazine on the subject “more women than ever watching porn.” I am interested in this because I like Gail Dines and because I have been looking at the effects of watching porn on women. It was Gail Dines who helped me to realize how I’d been affected by porn and why I behaved the way I did as a teenager and young adult. However, this particular discussion went pretty badly. They had two sex-pozzie women on there with Dines and the whole conversation was rather watered down and useless. This makes me angry, because this is an important conversation and sex-pozzies will not talk about it honestly. Of course, this is also a shitty magazine, and I could never have expected anything good from them in the first place, but that doesn’t stop me from blogging about it!

So without further ado, here is the article: “More Women Than Ever Are Watching Porn: Let’s Discuss.”

“Let’s begin with a few numbers: PornHub.com gets 60 million worldwide visits daily, and 24 percent of U.S. viewers are female. According to a 2015 study, 16 percent of women ages 18 to 39 view porn once a week, and the percentage who are willing to admit their habit to the Pew Research Center increased from 2 percent in 2010 to 8 percent in 2013. What’s behind this uptick? To get the answers to this and other burning questions on X-rated flicks, we spoke with Gail Dines, Ph.D., anti-porn activist and professor of sociology and women’s studies at Wheelock College; Megan Fleming, Ph.D., clinical psychologist and sex and relationship therapist in New York City; and Cindy Gallop, sex-tech entrepreneur and founder of MakeLoveNotPorn.com in New York City.”

Check out parts of the heated discussion below.

Dines: We live in a “porn culture.” Porn is the wallpaper of our society, and both sexes are internalizing the notion that it’s normal and legitimate, so more women are watching it.”

These numbers are good to know, but notice they interviewed people 18 and up. People now start watching porn when they are around 11 years old. I’m sure they’d be horrified to report on that, since it’s horrifying that young children are viewing the sexual exploitation of women and girls on their cell phones all the time. At no point does the discussion get around to the fact that for these women who have a habit of watching porn, they probably developed the habit before the age of 18. At no point will they address the fact that when you are looking at the effects of watching porn you have to look at the effects on teenagers. Young teenagers are being sexualized faster than ever before, they are used to sending each other naked photos and even selling their naked photos when they are less than 18, and they are getting injuries from abusive sex acts at younger ages. But the sex-pozzies will ignore that because it doesn’t fit their “Porn Is Just Happiness and Butterfiles” worldview.

“Fleming: In my practice, a lot of women are struggling with their libidos. They are overworked, exhausted, and having trouble relaxing. So porn is a tool in a toolbox that helps them keep their sexual pilot light on. It also helps them explore their fantasies and discover what they’d like to experience with their partners.”

So much patriarchy-blaming in this paragraph! First of all, the only reason there is such a thing as “struggling with libido” is because women are expected to feel sexual all the time and to provide their husbands with frequent sex. There is no logical reason why anyone has to have a libido in the first place and therefore no logical reason why anyone should struggle to get one if they don’t have one. Does anyone ever accuse men of “struggling with their libido” for having too much of one, and does anyone write articles for men on how to get their libido to meet their partner’s? Nope. This is all about women not been horny enough (porny enough?) to please their husbands, and having to change themselves until they can meet their husband’s pornified expectations.

Secondly, if women are overworked, exhausted, and having trouble relaxing, the solution is not to coerce them into unwanted sex. The solution is to help them with their workload and give them some time off. Sure, some sexual release can help a person relax, but that’s only if she actually wants a sexual release. If she’s being made to try to feel sexual when she’s not feeling it, that’s not relaxation, that’s more work.

And here’s another one of these daft comments about porn helping people to discover what their fantasies are. This is so dishonest. If you want to discover what your fantasies are, just let your mind wander, possibly while masturbating. If you watch porn, you are watching someone else’s fantasy, not your own. And let’s talk about exactly who’s fantasy you’re watching. The plot of porn movies is decided upon by those who are producing it, and they are concerned about what will sell. What sells is usually outrageous, painful and abusive acts committed against women and girls, and as time goes on it needs to get more outrageous and more abusive to keep viewers clicking. I think I can feel confident in asserting that most women’s fantasies aren’t about Exploited Teens and Anally Ripped Whores. If anyone wants to help people discover their fantasies, they should be talking about avoiding porn and instead getting in touch with their own body and their own thoughts.

I also object to the suggestion that porn is a way to discover what you want to do with your partner. Why would you need to watch porn in order to discover what you want to do with your partner? If you like your partner and desire sex with her/him then you’ll have lots of ideas for things to do when you get your clothes off. If you find that you don’t know what you want to do, it could be that you don’t actually want to have sex, in which case, you don’t have to. Maybe do something else instead?

“Gallop: There are way more women watching porn than what those statistics represent. Of course women like watching people have sex because we’re sexual beings and we’re wired to enjoy it! We want to watch it to get turned on and masturbate, just like men do. That’s why I hate the terms “porn for women” and “feminist porn” because they imply that we’re only into white sheets fluttering in the breeze and loving that’s soft. Absolutely not true. I like my porn pretty hard-core.”

This is a way to say something that is true, at a surface level, but avoids the actual problem at hand. Yes, women can certainly get turned on by watching people have sex, and yes, women like to masturbate. But when you’re looking at what is actually out there to look at and what happens when women look at it, you realize that there are far more important points to make besides “But women are horny too!”

The overwhelming majority of porn is based on men’s dominance over women and the use of women as sexual objects. This exact message is sent to us through other media as well, such as advertising, magazines, television, films, and music videos, and is so normalized that we do not even notice it. People start watching porn when they are children and teenagers, and absorb the cultural message about women as objects during their formative years. The sex-pozzies keep saying “but women like porn too” without making any analysis of how it affects women when we learn to sexualize our own subordination.

Several women have submitted interviews to this blog about how watching porn affected them, which you can find at the “How porn affected me” tag. Women have reported being groomed for sexual abuse using porn, learning new ways to abuse a person, getting into weirder and weirder stuff that they would have never wanted to do in real life, believing that anything is okay in sex and losing the ability to tell when something is actually wrong, and thinking about other women in misogynist ways. Somehow I don’t believe that the argument “women like porn too” does anything to address any of these problems.

I hate the term “feminist porn” too, but for very different reasons. I hate it because it ignores what porn actually is. Pornography is the graphic depiction of whores, and if you depict women as whores, that is inherently misogynist. The sex-pozzie “feminists” who talk about “feminist porn” are talking about porn films that were either directed by women or focus on women in some way. However this doesn’t make them feminist. Just because a woman is directing a porn film, that doesn’t mean that getting naked on camera suddenly has the ability to liberate women from oppression. If getting naked on camera could liberate women from oppression, then we’d already be liberated, because millions of us are naked on camera already.

And she makes a comment about women liking hard-core porn, not just “sheets fluttering in the breeze” whatever the fuck that means. This sounds like she is trying to be one of the Cool Girls, you know, those girls who totally get it and are just like one of the guys. I wonder if this woman has watched hard-core porn lately? Because it has gotten pretty bad in the last few years. It now contains forced blow jobs where the woman is made to choke, it contains women being forced to eat their own vomit after they choke, it contains going straight from ass to mouth without washing, it contains constant abuse to women’s bodies that causes them pain and injuries. None of this is sexy at all, unless you are an abuser. This stuff is actually torture, not sex.

“Dines: But let’s go to the empirical evidence and find out what happens when women look at porn. Specifically, [a new study] found that the more porn women watched, the more depressed and anxious they became, the less interested they were in having sex with people, and the more body-loathing they experienced*. Watching porn is not the issue—it’s the effects of watching it.”

Dines explains way better than this when she is given more time to speak, but I think it’s obvious why watching porn could make women feel depressed. Being constantly told that we are supposed to look and behave exactly like a blow-up doll in order to be liked by men is pretty damn depressing.

“Fleming: Well, having a doctorate, I value research, but I don’t know of that particular paper. Yes, there can be some problematic behaviors that can lead to depression and anxiety. But what is making those women turn to porn? They may want to compare themselves, which of course isn’t healthy. But I’ve also had clients who use it to discover their turn-ons. I think that’s the reason lesbian and gay porn is some of the most viewed by women. There’s this authenticity piece: There’s no shame or guilt in expressing their sexuality or using their bodies. I think women are also looking to see a connection [between two people] to feel a sense of intimacy and pleasure.”

Again, if you want to discover your turn-ons, you need to get in touch with yourself, not watch crap on the Internet. Also, how on Earth could you find authenticity while watching actors pretending to be enjoying something in order to make some money? This is another case where sex-pozzies say something completely disingenuous to avoid looking at the real problem. Porn is very fake. It contains no “authenticity,” “connection,” or “intimacy,” as this woman suggests.

One of the excuses listed here is “lesbian and gay porn.” Sex-pozzies like to use the excuse “but some porn is queer” to excuse the fact that porn is overwhelmingly misogynist. Apparently, because a small percentage of it is gay, it is therefore progressive. I don’t think so. Back in the day when I was a porn user, I did come across some videos labelled “lesbian” and they contained straight women who were acting out weird shit that male producers wanted them to do. Also, they always had really long manicured nails. Nope! Lesbian porn does not resemble what actual lesbians do. If anyone thinks porn is progressive because of “lesbian porn,” they are full of shit.

“Dines: But if you’re looking for [that], why don’t you seek it out in your own life? You’re not going to experience intimacy, empathy, and connection by watching other people have sex.”

Thank you, Gail Dines, the only one in this interview with a brain. You don’t get intimacy by staring at your computer screen. Leave your house and actually go out and meet people!

“Gallop: That’s what we’re trying to solve at MakeLove NotPorn. There is a total absence of an open conversation around sex in the real world. Because we as a society are so repressed about sex, we don’t talk about it—or what we’re watching. So porn exists in this shadowy underworld and therefore lacks socially acceptable curation. There is no Yelp for porn. And that’s because it’s not okay to come into the office, stand by the watercooler and ask, “I’m really bored with the porn I’m watching. Any suggestions?”

What a load of bullshit. There is no “absence of conversation about sex.” People talk about sex all the damn time. We’re all made to feel like we aren’t having enough of it and need to be constantly having more. We’re constantly given advice about how to do it better and more often. It’s the perpetual subject of pop culture (pop music, sitcoms, magazines) and Western culture is certainly not repressed about sex. How do you explain the multi-billion dollar sex industry and ubiquitous oversexualized media in a culture that is repressed about sex? It’s true that people don’t expect to talk about sex or porn at the water cooler at work. That’s because most people know how to behave in the workplace and know that during the work hours it is not appropriate to talk about your sex life. However, I have heard my own colleagues talk about their husbands’ skill level in bed on a few occasions, because guess what, sometimes the topic does come up, even at work. I bet there’s a few all-male workplaces out there where guys actually do talk about their favourite porn sites at the water cooler. Anyway. The point here is that people are still suggesting that we need porn because we are “repressed about sex” in a culture where sex is literally everwhere, and I have to say, this argument is really disingenuous.

“Fleming: In my opinion, anything that couples can use to promote a frank and honest convo is a great tool to enhance their bond. For instance, BDSM can be erotic for some women, but for others, it’s a turn-off. Anal? Clear turn-on or turn-off. This is empowering women to have a voice in their own sex lives and to know their “No”—as in, “No, that act doesn’t speak to me,” or “Yes, I’d like to try that.” There’s a whole range of sexuality, and it’s not black-or-white or all-or-nothing. We know in our bodies when something feels good or bad.

*At press time, this study was not yet published. Previous research has found that watching porn is linked to better sex for women in committed relationships.”

Once again, the claim that figuring out what you want to do with your partner involves watching porn. Here’s a tip: to talk about what you’d like to do in bed with your partner, turn off your computer, go and talk face to face with your partner, and say some things you’d like to do. Voilà! It’s not necessary to watch young women being abused on camera in order to have that discussion. I do not believe that people are so lacking in imagination that they cannot come up with any sexual activities until they go on the Internet to find some. Humans have been reproducing for thousands of years before the creation of the Internet. Somehow, we all figure it out.

Another daft comment about porn “empowering” women. People obviously have no idea what the word “empowering” actually means. When there is a multi-billion dollar industry selling videos of women being sexually abused, that is actually NOT empowering, it is oppression.

And how on Earth does watching porn aid women in their ability to say ‘no’? That is a big fat lie. Anyone who has half a brain realizes that men use porn to try to groom, coerce, and teach women to try things they wouldn’t have otherwise tried. Porn reduces women’s ability to say no.

Sex-pozzies live in a bubble of happiness where there is no oppression, no porn is violent, women are all-powerful beings with lots of agency, and sex is happy all the time. They have to lie constantly in order to keep up this illusion. I will not call them sex positive because they are not positive towards sex. They are actually just cheerleaders who are cheering for the capitalist patriarchy. I am positive towards sex, which is why I want women to have the ability to say no when they don’t want to, and I want them to be safe when they do. I think we should end sexual abuse, not commodify it. And at the very least, I want us to have honest conversations about how our pornified culture is affecting us, so we can fight back against it.

High school kids selling explicit photos of their classmates for $10

From Latest.com:

Three Connecticut teens have been arrested on child porn charges after allegedly selling explicit videos and photos of their high school classmates.

An investigation revealed that more than 20 students were involved in a “sexting ring” for profit.

Students would take pictures of themselves that would then be shared with as many as 50 classmates through messaging apps, according to Daily Mail. Police say the three students running the ring then sold the pictures for $10-20 a piece.

Those three students have been charged with transmitting or possessing child porn. They also face obscenity charges. 20 others identified in the investigation may have to complete community service if it is recommended by a juvenile review board.

I just can’t imagine growing up in a world where it is normal to take explicit photos and videos of yourself to send to your classmates when you are only a teenager. Teenagers are impulsive, desperate for attention and approval from their peers, and unable to understand the long-term consequences of their actions. With the combination of porn culture and smart phones, kids making their own porn to sell is becoming as common as sneaking behind the school for a smoke. This can have a devastating impact on girls as they lose control over the images and they are spread all over school. You cannot control anything once it’s on the Internet. Although these girls only intend for their peers to see their photos, they can easily get into the hands of adult pedophiles.

This is an absolute fucking mess. I’m glad the kids who were selling these photos were charged, but there is another set of perpetrators in this story who are not mentioned. The adults who have created this culture by making it culturally and legally acceptable to sell images and videos of the sexual exploitation of teenage girls are the real problem. They are grooming a generation of young people into misogynist porn culture, preparing them to accept sexual exploitation, and profiting off the real sexual abuse of women and girls. Why are we only charging teens and not the adult pornographers?

Woman speaks out about seeing porn at 6 years old

From the Sydney Morning Herald:

Liz Walker was only six years old when an older girl from up the street squashed in next to her on the school bus and excitedly whispered “Hey do you want to see something?” It was a magazine she found under her brother’s bed and full of graphic pornography.

“I felt this sense of disgust, but also arousal,” Ms Walker remembers. “I was catapulted into an awareness of my sexuality I wasn’t ready for. In my six-year-old brain I though that’s what you had to do to get noticed.”

She started looking at porn every afternoon after school, and trying out the scenarios she saw on other children. Her early sexualisation saw her lose her virginity at 12 and have multiple sexual partners during her teens.

“I was seeking out those sexual interactions wherever I could because I had been conditioned to think that’s what women did,” Ms Walker recalls. “I had a reputation as a slut from a very young age.”

Australian Childhood Foundation chief executive Joe Tucci​ is quoted near the bottom of the article:

“there had been a corresponding increase in the severity of problem sexual behaviour among children, such as using implements to penetrate other children, planning sexual assaults, using adult-like grooming techniques, and coercing their peers into acting out things they had seen on the screen.”

Pornography grooms children into sexual abuse, and in fact, it is sexual abuse.