Illuminate your vulva!

Have you ever felt inadequate as a woman and thought that what you really need is to give your vulva a luminous glow? Me neither! But we’re in luck anyway, because the company “The Perfect V” has a product that not only makes your vulva “appear youthful and fresh” but also gives it “luminous iridescent color!” Thank goodness —I was worried I was going to be stuck with a matte, colorless vulva for the rest of my life.

The Perfect V has a complete line of unnecessary products to put on the marketable body parts between your legs—you know, those parts that start with the letter V (although We Do Not Speak Its Name) and that need to be “waxed, shaved, lasered, sugared, trimmed or dyed and sometimes even sunbathed” in order to be acceptable enough for your man to stick his dick into? They have several creams, an exfoliator, a mist, a serum and a luminizer. As their website states: “We manicure, we pedicure and now we Vanicure™. The day of neglect and lack of a proper line of pampering products for the V after a hair removal session are over.”

Thanks to capitalism, there is no part of a woman’s body that doesn’t require a line of expensive products in order to be acceptable. The Perfect V’s products will perform the following necessary functions for your crotch:

  • Enhances, Renews and Improves its beauty
  • delivers radiance
  • provides an anti-aging treatment
  • Softens, moisturizes and hydrates
  • Neutralizes odor
  • leaves a light fresh natural scent
  • improves the skin’s texture
  • adds some extra prettiness
  • prevents dark spots

And judging by the words “luminous,” “brightens,” and “radiant” that keep appearing over and over on their site, I’m guessing that these products can also make your parts glow with light! That could be handy, actually. No more stumbling around in the dark trying to find the toilet when you get up to pee…just open your legs and let your luminous vulva provide an instant night light! Now that’s a perk!

Can you imagine if someone marketed products like this to men? A cream to moisturize and hydrate the penis? A perfume spray to make the testicles smell like the light scent of flowers on a summer breeze? A luminizer to make his equipment look “youthful” and “fresh”? I think this would be so ridiculous people would just laugh at it, and it wouldn’t sell at all. It’s just as ridiculous marketed to women, but women will buy it anyway, because we’ve been trained to have certain beliefs about ourselves. Although men are considered people, whose bodies exist for them to live in, women’s bodies are just decorations and sex toys for men to play with. Women jump at the chance to be hairless, smooth, youthful and fair-skinned, since a multi-billion-dollar marketing industry ensures that we all believe our bodies are supposed to look that way, and every corner of our culture supports the idea that our worth lies in our appearance.

This is actually a good exercise to find out if you really need a product. Ask yourself the question, “Do men need this?” Unless it’s something specific to menstruation, this trick will work. You don’t need your skin to look moist, pretty, youthful, free of brown spots, or luminously iridescent, on any part of your body. If it would sound ridiculous marketed to men, then it’s probably ridiculous.

I feel the same way about makeup for the vulva as I feel about makeup for the face. Not only do I think it’s unnecessary, but I’m also confused as to how you can have sex with someone wearing it. I have never kissed a woman with lipstick on and I don’t think I ever could. Wouldn’t it get on me? Wouldn’t I eat some of it? Yuck, I don’t want to eat lipstick. And if a woman had luminizer cream or perfume spray on her vulva, would I have to…lick the cream off? Would my tongue then be luminous and iridescent and freshly scented? The whole thing just creeps me out.

As a lesbian, I think that vulvas already look sexy, just because they’re vulvas. They don’t have to look a specific way in order to be sexy. And I think their natural scent is already a lovely scent. There is no need to try to “improve” on a body part that is already fantastic and wonderful. Only in a capitalist patriarchy can this bullshit make any sense to people.

19 thoughts on “Illuminate your vulva!

  1. Omfg…

    I had a hard-enough time when Summer’s Eve strawberry-scented was a thing.

    If it glows in the dark, is asking the tower for clearance to land the same as consent?

    Also, I have kissed the lipstick off of girls’ lips, one wore a cinnamon-flavored gloss (it was the eighties), and I can’t eat a red-hot that I don’t think of her…

    Liked by 7 people

  2. We have to change everything about ourselves for correct malepleasing. And we still never get it right.

    It’s exhausting. Which is part of the reason for why I don’t bother.

    Most of the reason is that I just don’t give a shit about what males want. They are idiots.

    Liked by 3 people

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  4. Do you ever read something and wonder “who the hell comes up with this shit?”
    This is one of those times.
    I’m trying to come up with any reason why I might want my vulva to glow in the dark, and I can’t think of a single one.

    Liked by 2 people

  5. Seriously, who even thinks of this kind of thing?

    But let’s go looking for reasons for a glow-in-the-dark vulvas:

    1) Showing people the way there. I don’t know who in their right mind can’t find it, but there are some seriously stupid people around. But then again, a woman should know about having it, and can always tell her partner where to go (should the partner not be a woman). And you can’t insert it without knowing where it is, I guess.

    2) A novelty thing. I personally would be seriously shocked if I saw a lover’s vulva glowing in the dark. I would think that something was badly wrong, so would probably insist on taking her to a hospital. But perhaps there are people who like that? I presume that it’s for male entertainment, as always. That could be a market.

    3) As an aid for an exam by a gynaecologist? They should have tools to help with that, but perhaps when the power is gone? Do women still get their exams then? I’ve never had one in the dark, but it could be strange.

    4) Which leads me to another idea. Perhaps someone can be afraid in the dark, so, having a little light is always handy. The issue is, if it’s in the vulva, it doesn’t really help with giving you a bit of light. At least, not in a comfortable way, while you’re trying to stay warm under the sheets.

    5) Ehm, I really can’t think of anything more. Perhaps just hitting buzzwords to sell a worthless (and actually harmful) product to insecure women?

    Liked by 2 people

  6. While reading your essay I did think up a product for males but have no idea how it could be manufactured. I have read many women complaining that having sex with men is what makes their vulvas smell unpleasant, and when they stop having sex with men — voila! no unpleasant smell! This makes sense as semen is very alkaline (my apologies to lesbian readers), so what men need is a product that would make their semen acid like the vagina is, and it would also function as birth control since sperm don’t do well in an acid environment. How soon do you think this product will be on the market? NEVER!!!!!

    Liked by 2 people

    • That sounds actually like a pretty great idea. If I knew how to manufacture such a thing, I’d give it a try, as over the internet you can market pretty much anything. It’d be great for women’s health!
      (Little known fact: The dysbalance that’s signalled by the unpleasant smell actually makes women more vulnerable to infections. A feminist gynecology book I read a while ago recommended bathing in water mixed with vinegar to help restore the vagina’s natural state after having piv two days in a row or so – there was a time mentioned that the vagina needed to recover. Much easier to tell women what to do about it, of course, instead of selling men a product for it …)

      Liked by 1 person

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