Have you ever felt inadequate as a woman and thought that what you really need is to give your vulva a luminous glow? Me neither! But we’re in luck anyway, because the company “The Perfect V” has a product that not only makes your vulva “appear youthful and fresh” but also gives it “luminous iridescent color!” Thank goodness —I was worried I was going to be stuck with a matte, colorless vulva for the rest of my life.
The Perfect V has a complete line of unnecessary products to put on the marketable body parts between your legs—you know, those parts that start with the letter V (although We Do Not Speak Its Name) and that need to be “waxed, shaved, lasered, sugared, trimmed or dyed and sometimes even sunbathed” in order to be acceptable enough for your man to stick his dick into? They have several creams, an exfoliator, a mist, a serum and a luminizer. As their website states: “We manicure, we pedicure and now we Vanicure™. The day of neglect and lack of a proper line of pampering products for the V after a hair removal session are over.”
Thanks to capitalism, there is no part of a woman’s body that doesn’t require a line of expensive products in order to be acceptable. The Perfect V’s products will perform the following necessary functions for your crotch:
- Enhances, Renews and Improves its beauty
- delivers radiance
- provides an anti-aging treatment
- Softens, moisturizes and hydrates
- Neutralizes odor
- leaves a light fresh natural scent
- improves the skin’s texture
- adds some extra prettiness
- prevents dark spots
And judging by the words “luminous,” “brightens,” and “radiant” that keep appearing over and over on their site, I’m guessing that these products can also make your parts glow with light! That could be handy, actually. No more stumbling around in the dark trying to find the toilet when you get up to pee…just open your legs and let your luminous vulva provide an instant night light! Now that’s a perk!
Can you imagine if someone marketed products like this to men? A cream to moisturize and hydrate the penis? A perfume spray to make the testicles smell like the light scent of flowers on a summer breeze? A luminizer to make his equipment look “youthful” and “fresh”? I think this would be so ridiculous people would just laugh at it, and it wouldn’t sell at all. It’s just as ridiculous marketed to women, but women will buy it anyway, because we’ve been trained to have certain beliefs about ourselves. Although men are considered people, whose bodies exist for them to live in, women’s bodies are just decorations and sex toys for men to play with. Women jump at the chance to be hairless, smooth, youthful and fair-skinned, since a multi-billion-dollar marketing industry ensures that we all believe our bodies are supposed to look that way, and every corner of our culture supports the idea that our worth lies in our appearance.
This is actually a good exercise to find out if you really need a product. Ask yourself the question, “Do men need this?” Unless it’s something specific to menstruation, this trick will work. You don’t need your skin to look moist, pretty, youthful, free of brown spots, or luminously iridescent, on any part of your body. If it would sound ridiculous marketed to men, then it’s probably ridiculous.
I feel the same way about makeup for the vulva as I feel about makeup for the face. Not only do I think it’s unnecessary, but I’m also confused as to how you can have sex with someone wearing it. I have never kissed a woman with lipstick on and I don’t think I ever could. Wouldn’t it get on me? Wouldn’t I eat some of it? Yuck, I don’t want to eat lipstick. And if a woman had luminizer cream or perfume spray on her vulva, would I have to…lick the cream off? Would my tongue then be luminous and iridescent and freshly scented? The whole thing just creeps me out.
As a lesbian, I think that vulvas already look sexy, just because they’re vulvas. They don’t have to look a specific way in order to be sexy. And I think their natural scent is already a lovely scent. There is no need to try to “improve” on a body part that is already fantastic and wonderful. Only in a capitalist patriarchy can this bullshit make any sense to people.