Book Review: Tomboy Survival Guide

Last weekend I went to the library to browse through the queer books and I came across Tomboy Survival Guide by Ivan Coyote. I’ve heard other people say this book is good so I thought I should check it out. Coyote is an accomplished writer and speaker and a queer Canadian icon. Tomboy Survival Guide is their latest book, published in 2016.

Coyote is a talented storyteller who writes in a vulnerable way, heart exposed, and I was drawn in immediately. By the second chapter I already had tears running down my cheeks. The title suggests that this book is a guide for tomboys, but what it actually is is a memoir that is as much about family as it is about gender. The stories are about growing up as a tomboy, being a butch lesbian, and being a trans person, and they are also about being from a loving family from Whitehorse, Yukon—a family that remains important and valuable throughout the author’s life. Western Canada provides a beautiful backdrop for Coyote’s stories, whether it’s the Yukon or British Columbia.

I have been enjoying the book immensely over the past week while simultaneously struggling with the question of how I can review a book by someone who I support on some levels but who has very different political beliefs from me. Coyote is pro-trans, and is against my kind of feminism. Reading through their twitter account recently told me that Coyote calls women “TERFs.”  I cannot discuss this book without addressing this political divide and I can’t get very far into a discussion of their work without making a decision about pronoun use.

Coyote’s pronouns are “they/them” but I do not agree that a butch lesbian should be called ‘they.’ Calling a female human ‘they’ is supposed to imply that she is not female, but is instead somewhere in between, and it disappears the difference between gender and sex. A butch lesbian is biologically female and has a masculine gender. I don’t believe it’s right to imply that a non-feminine woman is not a woman at all—that reinforces the idea that all women must be feminine or else they aren’t women. The idea that all women must be feminine or else they aren’t women is one of the things that harms all of us. I think that when you agree that a masculine woman isn’t a woman, you are agreeing with the bullies who think she’s not okay the way she is.

I believe with all my heart that the way to support a butch lesbian is to respect her masculine gender and her femaleness, and to appreciate them both as integral parts of her that are both significant in making her who she is, and to maintain that being female and masculine isn’t a contradiction that needs to be resolved but something to honour and respect as it is. I think that calling her “they” to erase her femaleness does the same thing that straight women do when they tell her she doesn’t belong in the women’s washroom: it’s kicking her out of womanhood because she doesn’t fit the feminine standard.

With all that in mind, I know that if I were to support Coyote by calling her “she” it would be taken as me not supporting her because she uses “they.” Therefore I am going to use a mix of pronouns to acknowledge both my position and hers. It is my intention here to promote their work and their voice without letting go of my own perspective.

Whenever I read a book written by a butch, I see my own partner among the pages. Coyote’s book really hit home for me because she is a Canadian lesbian and so are my partner and I. In fact, I know that we have mutual acquaintances and some of my friends have seen her perform.

One of the first stories Coyote told of her tomboy nature was being in swimming lessons as a kid and wearing only the bottom half of her bathing suit and allowing everyone to think she was a boy. My partner did the exact same thing when she was a kid, wearing swim trunks to the community pool because that’s what she felt comfortable in, and she kept doing that until the boys were harassing her and the lifeguard told her she had to put a top on. She was not happy about this.

Near the opening of the book Coyote wrote a wonderful description of being a tomboy. It’s not about consciously rejecting the feminine and trying to be masculine, it’s about having something different about you that exists in your personality and in your very bones that you would not be able to change even if you dressed in women’s clothes.

“I didn’t not want to be a girl because I had been told that they were weaker or somehow lesser than boys. It was never that simple. I didn’t even really actively not want to be like the other girls. I just knew. I just knew that I wasn’t. I couldn’t. I would never be. (p14)”

Later on when they described attending college to learn Electricity and Industrial Electronics I saw my partner in the pages again. One of the only two women among hundreds of men, they endured harassment from their classmates despite being excellent in the program.

It can be a minefield navigating the world as a masculine woman because you never know how people are going to interpret you or treat you. Coyote wrote about times when she was “one of the guys” and times when she was “one of the girls.” Although some of their college classmates harassed them horribly, they recalled a positive memory of one classmate asking their advice on how to do something nice for his wife. In that moment, Coyote was not a failure of a woman but an expert on womanhood.

Although it wasn’t the least bit funny for her at the time, I laughed when she recalled the time when a guy managing a tourist destination, hot springs in a cave, made her wear a women’s swimsuit while calling her “sir.” Sometimes people get hilariously mixed up when they encounter an ambiguous-looking person.

Four years before writing this book, and already in their forties, Coyote had top surgery. They called this decision “the healthy, happy thing for me to do,” (p170) even though it caused them to completely lose feeling in their nipples. They describes the numbness in a very poignant paragraph:

“They are beyond numb. They feel nothing. Sometimes I think I can feel the flesh underneath them, maybe I can feel pressure there, maybe. But I can’t feel her fingertips or her tongue, or her teeth. I can’t feel the cold lake or the warm sun either.” (p151)

Is it really a fair trade, to get the chest you want but lose feeling in your nipples?

It’s interesting that Coyote says the following:

“But my day-to-day struggles are not so much between me and my body. I am not trapped in the wrong body. I am trapped in a world that makes very little space for bodies like mine. (p170–171)”

I fully agree with this. No one is trapped in the wrong body. It’s not their bodies that need to change, it’s the way they are being treated that needs to change. It’s important to locate the problem correctly. Don’t blame something on your body when it’s not your body’s fault.

Throughout much of the book, Coyote doesn’t mention being trans, because in her childhood and young adulthood she didn’t have a trans identity yet. Near the end of the book, the trans issue starts to come up. She wrote about getting hate mail from both conservatives and radical feminists regarding her writing on transgender bathroom use. She reports both groups of people saying the same thing in their hate mail, which is:

“No offense, but, if I had to share a woman’s washroom with someone who looks like you, I would feel…uncomfortable.


“Why don’t you just use the men’s room? (p224)”

Although I am a radical feminist, this quote does not represent my position at all. It’s not what anyone in my own circle of feminists says, either. We don’t want to see butch women kicked out of the women’s washroom, we think all women belong there. We aren’t uncomfortable around butch women. Some of us, like me, love butch women. We also think that single-occupant washrooms are a good idea in order to accommodate gender nonconforming people, or anyone who wants to pee alone. We don’t think that trans people should be kicked out of all the bathrooms. We don’t think women should be forced into the men’s room. I don’t know who emailed her, but they didn’t say anything close to what I would have said. My position is that everyone should be accommodated in washrooms, without forgetting that allowing the entire world into the women’s washroom does not properly accommodate women. Overly-broad gender identity laws that are based on self-declaration and no objective criteria allows anyone to announce they’re a woman and enter the washroom. This is not good policy.

There is another part of the book where Coyote’s pro-trans position bothers me. She printed a letter from a mother whose teenage daughter is transitioning to male. The teen first identified as a lesbian and then identified as trans. Coyote wrote a response to the mother which spoke of her daughter as if she were truly her son and would grow up to be a man. She didn’t leave any room for the fact that this teen could actually be a lesbian. That’s what you do when you believe in transgender politics, is immediately affirm someone’s trans identity and ignore the fact that the person is actually homosexual. Only a so-called “trans exclusive radical feminist” like me can see what is really happening here. An adult lesbian is refusing to call herself a lesbian, preferring to label herself as something other than a woman, and is affirming a younger lesbian who is doing the same. This is absolutely tragic. This is not what I want for the lesbian community. I want lesbians to be able to proudly declare their lesbian identity without falling prey to the ancient homophobic idea that lesbians are really men or that we’re failed women. I want us to carve out space for all different kinds of women to be ourselves without shame, and to show the world that women are diverse and beautiful in our differences. If it were me giving advice, I would have left the door open to this young woman actually being a lesbian and validated what she is probably feeling without jumping right onto the trans train.

For the most part, I loved Tomboy Survival Guide, and I would definitely recommend it. I was very moved by her stories and I thought the book was exquisitely written. I always appreciate hearing about what life is like for little tomboys who grow up to be butch. My criticism is that because of her pro-trans position, her writing is not as lesbian-positive as it could be. What I always hope to see in any book written by a lesbian is a positive lesbian identity and a pro-woman stance.

13 thoughts on “Book Review: Tomboy Survival Guide

  1. AWESOME post, P-Sage! I love your thoughtfulness and maturity here! The issue is nuanced and we don’t get anywhere by simply dismissing the other side. You’ve made room for everybody at the table. Would love to see you discuss with Coyote in the future.

    Liked by 4 people

  2. I really like your approach with this topic. Despite our anger at the trans community, above all we recognize that this person is a lesbian, and we have to support each other. It’s easy to support the lesbian sisters who agree with us, and much harder but just as important to support the ones who do not while still maintaining our stance.

    I’ll definitely be getting a copy of the book, too.

    Liked by 4 people

  3. There is a comment that did not get approved. Any comment containing the words “mutilation” or “delusional” go into moderation and I decide whether to approve it. In this case I did not. I believe in reasonable and thoughtful discussion without attacking individuals, particularly when it comes to anyone born female, and I expect commenters here to follow suit.

    Liked by 4 people

  4. It does sound interesting. I think the world has A LOT to learn from the tomboy experience, and we so rarely hear about it first hand, so I’m excited to check out this book. The tomboy experience doesn’t always end in women who are butch lesbians or lesbians at all, either, which is another little-known aspect. The reason that is important is not because there’s anything wrong with being a lesbian (of course) but because it has a lot to say about what girlhood is and what womanhood is, sexual orientation aside. The tomboy experience, in my eyes at least, really lays bare what socialization into womanhood is and how a human (a girl, who does not yet fully understand what womanhood or femininity is) reacts to that assault with resistance, creativity, legitimate fear and sometimes loathing, and learning.

    Liked by 3 people

    • Hi Ohdear, good observation — indeed, I think the tomboy experience is nearly universal for girls, or it was. Before little girls were drowned in pink and beset with princesses. dear god. I think the world DOES have a lot to learn from the tomboy experience, and I also think that Ivan has placed herself firmly in the way of women gaining understanding of our shared resistance, creativity and freedom through those experiences.

      Liked by 2 people

  5. I met Ivan Coyote at Butch Voices who was driving myself and a few other Dykes to a Butch Performance. That was before her transition. In casual discussion I rederred to her as “she” and she got upset and corrected me. How was I to know? This was 2009. I have seen her performances on Youtube.

    She may argue about being a Lesbian preferring the queer or transman designation.

    Lesbian singer Judy Fjell also has a tomboy book that came out in the 1990s.

    It greatly saddens me so many Butches feel the need to transition, cut off their beautiful breasts and be left sensationless. To vacate Butch Lesbian.womanhood.

    That is not what Lesbian.looks like, she left Lesbianism and her Lesbian.sisters behind for her trans designation.

    It saddens me because so many of us were tomboys facing those struggles, I too was in the Trades for 23 years, because thats what Butches did to make money. and NOT have to compromise ourselves by having to wear feminized dress to work. And the het world wants to write us out of womonhood.

    Thanks for your heartfelt share on this. And YOUR Butch, Lesbian and womon positive perspective.

    Liked by 4 people

  6. This is an excellent review Purple Sage. Your words “I want lesbians to be able to proudly declare their lesbian identity without falling prey to the ancient homophobic idea that lesbians are really men or that we’re failed women” says it all and I agree wholeheartedly. Its a tragedy whats happening to our lesbian community these days yet to say anything is to be branded a transphobe, bigot or TERF. I’m genuinely scared for our current generation of gender non-conforming women, straight or lesbian. As women we’ve come so far to discard the gender limitations put on us by society and we’ve encouraged our young girls to do the same by saying to them you can do and be anything you want. Suddenly somethings flipped and our GNC girls are no longer safe. I don’t know how we save them apart from continuing to speak out and suffer the backlash.

    Liked by 2 people

  7. I will have to find that book… I too was a tomboy growing up, wanted to be a boy in the worst way – and envied boys so much for all the things they were allowed to do that girls weren’t. I gravitated towards traditionally male sports, had short hair, tried going topless until I became obviously too female, and got into fights both with girls and boys (I don’t recall starting them but who knows, maybe I did!), had girls as close friends, and boys too… and as time and adolescence came on, I fell into major crushes and attractions to, yes, the boys, the males, men! I have always been hetero ever since, although when I was around 11-12 my girl pals and I would giggle and “pretend” we were boyfriend/girlfriend and practice kissing… very innocent and temporary… more pecks than real kissing… I didn’t experience *real* male/female kissing that was any good until I was 15!!
    Then it was an eye opener for sure!
    I’m pretty sure if I had been growing up now as a tomboy, I’d have been swept up in the whole trans man tsunami and started on the path to “manhood”… Boy am I glad I wasn’t. I can’t fathom having sensationless breasts – a mastectomy for appearance’s sake only – I like my breasts even if they sag a bit! I get so much feeling from them when intimate with a man… no way would I want them gone purposely (unless perhaps I had breast cancer). Also – lesbians – I’m sure quite a few – very much appreciate the female form intact, just as hetero men do.
    I am so dismayed and sad to see so many perfectly healthy young women hack off their natural attributes without having a thought to their future selves… or of possible future girlfriends… or if detransitioning, their possible boyfriends? It really makes no sense to me. Not to mention bottom surgery… more unnecessary infliction of pain, and reduction of sensation…
    Sorry I fell off the track there, but it pains me to see so many girls doing that.

    Liked by 2 people

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