Feeling divided from other lesbians

Lately I’ve been browsing the “lesbian” tag on WordPress to see what other lesbians are writing. They are often writing more personal stuff rather than political stuff, and they are not usually gender-critical—more often than not they are pro-trans. Even though I often like people’s posts, I am hesitant to comment on them. I feel like I don’t belong on a pro-trans lesbian’s blog, because if she were to come over here and read mine, she’d see that I’m a so-called “TERF” and decide I am someone to stay away from. We’re on two opposite sides of a great divide, and this makes me sad.

I do feel solidarity with other lesbians, no matter their politics. My lesbian friends in real life are generally the liberal type, and this doesn’t stop us being friends, it only stops us from talking much about politics. I don’t expect my friends to completely agree with me. I was saddened by a comment on a butch lesbian’s blog that when she had top surgery, she lost one of her friends because her friend was “too radfem.” I’m a radical feminist and I would not stop being friends with someone because she had top surgery. I have a political analysis of that situation but that doesn’t mean that I can’t be friends with someone who does it. I also have a political analysis of marriage, heterosexuality, and femininity, but that doesn’t mean I can’t be friends with women who are married, heterosexual, or who wear makeup. If I like someone as a person, then we can be friends. I also wonder though, was this friend actually a radfem or was “radfem” being used as a synonym for “asshole who hates trans people”? That may be the case, and that makes me sad, too. I believe in the liberation of the female sex class, and that does not mean I hate the gender-nonconforming. In fact, I LOVE the gender non-conforming, and the only people from the trans community that I hate are male fetishists who are violent toward women.

It would be nice if people would take the time to actually listen what gender critical and radical feminists are actually saying. Here is an article by Minnie Bruce Pratt about the “right wing” panic over transgender bathroom use. For those who don’t know, Minnie Bruce Pratt was the partner of Leslie Feinberg, a butch lesbian who lived part of her life as a trans man and who wrote several excellent books. I very much support Feinberg, as a lesbian and as a communist, and I have something in common with Pratt—both of us are the “femme” partners of butch lesbians.

In her article, Trans lives and bathroom bullies, Pratt makes it sound as though trans people are all completely innocent and would never use a washroom to perv on women and children, and that the people who oppose bathroom bills are all right-wing. That’s not true. Feminists have been documenting the rise of heterosexual male autogynephiles who have taken over trans activism, the instances of transwomen raping females, the instances of male cross-dressers demanding their penises be regarded as female sex organs, and the instances of young children being given Lupron for playing with the wrong toys. Plenty of the people documenting this are, in fact, butch and gender-nonconforming lesbians, and plenty of us are on the left. Where is the solidarity with we who understand male violence and male fetishes and who want women and children to be safe? Where is the solidarity with women as a class?

Pratt says:

“Bigots are also manipulating the old slur that LGBTQ people are “child molesters.” In the past, this lie was used to deny lesbians and gay men custody of their own children and to fire lesbian and gay teachers. Now, bigots are falsely claiming girl children are not safe in a bathroom with transgender women.”

When I was coming out, I struggled a bit with the idea that I didn’t belong in female-only spaces because I was attracted to women. Something in my brain had internalized the idea that I was a sex offender just by being a lesbian, and I had to work through this. Lesbians and gays are not child molesters, and there is nothing wrong with us being around children or having children. It’s terrible that this was an idea that people used to promote (and sometimes still do.)

But there are rapists and molesters who have joined the transgender movement. I’m not going to ignore this. Have you heard of Stefonknee? He is a man with a fetish for dressing as a six-year old girl while getting fucked in the ass by his ‘daddy.’ He also practices his fetish around actual children. What about the transwoman who was a youth counsellor and was charged with felony rape and strangulation of a minor? I do not believe for a second that young girls are safe in a locker room around guys like that. I don’t know why lesbians who believe they are in solidarity with other women are ignoring this type of behaviour from transwomen.

The fact that I want girls and women to be safe from male fetishists does not mean that I think gays and lesbians should have their children taken away from them.

Pratt says: “The bigots’ attempt to reduce human complexity to a simple “M” or “F” flies in the face of scientific facts.”

What scientific facts? The vast majority of humans are either male or female. I didn’t make that up out of a hatred for trans people, that is true. I think the “human complexity” she’s talking about is personality. People can have any sort of personality, whether they are male or female. I am quite accepting of men who want to wear a dress and makeup and women who want to grow a beard. This doesn’t bother me. I live in a large city and I do run into trans people occasionally. I’ve been to trans events and listened to trans speakers, I’ve gone to a bank and had a trans bank teller, I’ve been in a community meeting with trans people in attendance, I’ve seen trans people on the bus or walking down the street. I don’t jump out from behind the bushes and attack them—I treat them with the same respect as I’d treat anybody else. In the case of gender nonconforming females, I find them attractive. Pratt would call me a “bigot” because I understand human biology and male-pattern violence. I don’t believe this makes me a bigot.

Because I have a pro-woman political position, and because I understand the reality of biological sex, I am separated from my fellow lesbians. What a tragedy.


19 thoughts on “Feeling divided from other lesbians

  1. Much love and support for you, sister! You’re not alone. Maybe we could simplify this concept for the real bigots/naysayers/misogynists

    Vaginas have been invaded, violated and injured by penises for centuries. Vaginas have been exposed and spied upon by penises too. Vaginas are made to feel less important than penises and when vaginas try to speak up they are often silenced, mutilated or completely destroyed by penises. Vaginas deserve their own space, safe from penises and penises dressed up as vaginas.

    When are they going to get through their indoctrinated, misogynistic brains that rape, harassment and voyeurism are not about pleasure or desire–they’re about power plain and simple. Pardon my French but penises poking into vaginal space is a REAL concern. Because of misogyny, vaginas are at risk around penises–ALWAYS. I’ve been in abusive relationships with men where I didn’t feel I could ever be naked around my partner without being physically violated. Men and women are separated because misogyny is recognized on some level. Vaginas are a vulnerable population whether we like it or not! Nobody is immune from misogyny and the fact that exclusively vaginal space are being encroached upon by penises AGAIN is a testament to that.

    Perhaps instead of our typical “men” and “women” signs on bathrooms, we could just cut to the chase and post placards for “vaginas” and “penises.”

    Liked by 2 people

  2. “I was saddened by a comment on a butch lesbian’s blog that when she had top surgery, she lost one of her friends because her friend was ‘too radfem.’ I’m a radical feminist and I would not stop being friends with someone because she had top surgery. I have a political analysis of that situation but that doesn’t mean that I can’t be friends with someone who does it.”

    That may have happened, but I’d also entertain the idea that what happened was the other way around (the person who had the top surgery couldn’t abide a gender-critical friend).

    My MtF soon-to-be-ex husband sees hatred everywhere, where there is none. He has taken offense at all manner of casual observations about reality in addition to gender-critical analyses. An interesting example is that he gets angry if someone mistakes him for a gay man. Well, he *does* look like a gay man — it isn’t other people’s fault if he doesn’t pass, and what’s so wrong with being gay? This isn’t people being mean to him, as he thinks it is, but people just trying to process the reality they see in front of them and respond to it.

    He also has literally nothing else to talk about anymore but trans rights, which has also put a strain on our ability to be friends.

    Also, lovely post, and I wholeheartedly sympathize and feel the same way. My ex is now more connected to the LGBT community than I am, even though I have been out as lesbian-leaning bi for decades and participating in the community while he showed up a year ago as a hetero white guy who likes to wear dresses. Men. They get their way.

    Liked by 6 people

  3. When you run across lesbians who believe some men are actually women, this rather argues that they’re not actually lesbians. I don’t have much patience with genderists of any stripe, and I can’t see wasting time on pro-trans people because I don’t have much patience with people who just parrot what’s popular and trendy and accuse me of shit because I see through it. And I don’t lie easily, I don’t want friends I can’t be myself with.

    Back when they said “oh this poor man had this untreatable psychiatric disorder and he had to have this surgery because nothing else worked,” I was all “okay, whatever, how odd, but whatever works” but once they dropped the psychiatric disorder line and got into the one about being possessed by spirits of the opposite sex and calling actual lesbians bigots for not wanting to date the bepenised, they lost me entirely. I don’t want to be friends with MRA’s and I don’t want to be friends with people who can’t see how much transgenderism works in actuality to support MRA philosophy. It wouldn’t work and would be a waste of both of our time. I would without question feel supportive of a woman who felt alienated because of her not performing femininity, and as long as she was just examining the trans thing I would be able to engage, but it can be hard to tell the difference online. I don’t even like to engage with any writing where the term “LGBT” is used. I tend to think of everyone who uses that term as heterosexual and lacking in analysis until proven otherwise.

    Liked by 7 people

  4. The thing is, people who call lesbians bigots for not wanting “transwoman” dick might just as easily call me a bigot for not wanting to date any man, what with my having a history of heterosexuality. It’s rapey behavior and it gives me the creeps.

    Liked by 7 people

  5. Very sad really but not very surprising. A “lesbian” is a woman who is sexually attracted to other women. That’s it as I understand it. That’s all that’s required. (I’m straight myself, so if this is incorrect someone should correct me.)

    But everything else would be up for grabs. Some lesbians seem to be to the right politically, some to the left; some are Christians, some Buddhists, some agnostics and so forth; some favor socialism, some favor limited government or no government (libertarians).

    Some lesbians (and some straight women, including me) are wary of allowing males into female-only safe spaces, whatever these males claim about themselves. (They are “really” women and so forth.) This is because since the whole thing is a matter of how the individual feels, and since the only way we can possibly know how he feels is to take his word for it, and since people sometimes lie, allowing every male access to my locker room based entirely on his own testimony is going to allow a certain number of perverts and rapists and men who are looking to assault women into those spaces. In my opinion.

    Caution here seems eminently sensible to me, but I recognize that there are other women (some of them are lesbians) who take a sunnier view of human nature, and who believe everything every man says about himself.

    So we have a division.

    Merely being a lesbian does not compel one view or the other. Your view on this will be far more influenced by your opinion about human nature than about your sexual preferences. (We can trust what every stranger says of himself, or we cannot.) Lesbians then will find themselves on both sides of this question, as they will on nearly every question.

    It seems a little sad to see the community divided, but I don’t see any way around it.

    Liked by 4 people

  6. Don’t worry for every lesbian ok with supporting more sausages in our spaces at our expense there are just as many if not more of us that know males can never be lesbians/women/feminist, should never be allowed in our spaces, and will never bow down to the trans agenda which is harming women and children as well as gay man who have been blinded to the anti-homosexual trans conversion of gay youth as well as our political funding. I strongly recommend befriending other lesbian radfems who put other lesbians 1st as we have one of the strongest feminist community ever known forming the 4th wave. Be proud to be a part of the women who actually love our fellow females crowd. You are in great company.

    Liked by 8 people

  7. All labels aside, let me just say that I take issue with any male who declares himself a ‘transwoman,’ yet retains his penis, insists on it being a part of his ‘female’ sexuality, and declares that any lesbian who refuses to engage in sexual activity with him (yes, him) is a bigot. Frankly, there are two words that start with the letter ‘P’ that these so-called ‘transwomen’ are unwilling to alter, surgically or otherwise; those words are ‘Penis’ and ‘Privilege.’

    Liked by 4 people

    • I have another P word for you!! Psychotic!!

      “Psychosis” is defined as a mental state which is persistently out of touch with reality. By this definition, someone with a male genome is mentally ill if he wanders about claiming to be a female. Even if he doesn’t think lesbians should have sex with him. (No one should ever be forced to engage in sexual activity against their will, but that’s a different issue.)

      He’s not a woman. He’s a man. (If he’s willing to say that he “presents as female” I’ll go that far with him. It implies that he has not completely lost touch with the real world.) Perhaps he is a mentally ill man; perhaps a man who has had mutilating surgery. We should be charitable to and feel sorry for the mentally ill, but that does not include agreeing that someone who thinks he’s an elephant has a right to a stall at the zoo.

      Liked by 5 people

  8. Very well said, and I completely relate to the divide you are discussing. I have experienced the same. This split in our lesbian community needs on-going thought and discussion.


  9. There are those of us sexually, emotionally, intellectually and spiritually Lesbians for whom it it is a rich culture woth a deep past hearkening all the way back to.the Ancient Amazons in our loce for the Female, bothe the,Sacred Female and Female incarnate, a rich culture most deeply signified by Michfest where ALL things Lesbian were HONORED. An entire worldview…for those of us WE WILL DEFEND OUR TERRITORY. No.penis between us friends, Sisters, Lovers.

    And then there are those who believe being Lesbian.is merely who you fuck.and that they are just like everyone else, trying to find a way to fit into.malestream or het culture. An entirely superficial view of Lesbianis. These are the ones often supporting the trans cult. Their Lesbianism.is just a small aspect tomthem(so they say) and NOT a path out of male control.over female bodies. I am for ALL FORMS of Lesbian Passion, but we are unique in NOT allowing male sexual access to our bodies. The moment you do..sorry you are no longer Lesbian!!! And that INCLUDES ANY born males, no matter how feminine. And ESPECIALLY if still retaining a penis…


  10. I feel the same way. I cannot be friends with most women my age even if they are feminists because feminism has become something I don’t even recognize. They don’t want to be friends with me. I thought it was all in my head until I heard of this Cotton Ceiling thing. It was so shocking. I thought feminism automatically included lesbians, I thought as “sjw” or “queers” or whatever we accepted that sexual orientation existed, that homosexuality (never heard of homogenderality) was okay etc. Suddenly I’m witnessing people coming down on a lesbian because she won’t take dick… like the literal definition of a lesbian. I quit and I’m still kinda tongue tied and jaded.

    Liked by 1 person

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