There is a post from Reddit from a young lesbian who wrote about her experience being convinced she should transition and then ending up in the hospital in a panic when she realized that she was a lesbian and this was all wrong. This is a must-read post.
Hi there! I’m using a new profile because I know I would probably be banned from certain subreddits if they found out I’ve made a post here, and I don’t think that’s what I want. So anyways I guess I should kinda introduce myself here. I’m 22 and I came out as a trans man when I was 17 and identified as a lesbian before that for like 6 months. It’s been 5 years since I came out as trans and I had 4 years of intense pressure from my friends and their friends and their friends’ friends to start T before I actually decided to go for it late last year and started early this year. It’s been almost 10 months since first injection and I have succeeded in going from looking like a 20 year old woman to looking ad sounding like a 16 year old boy. I have the squeaky but deeper voice, a little sparse facial hair, super hairy legs, a thicker neck, and I’m definitely stronger and more intimidating than I used to be, but when I look in the mirror I’m disgusted by it and also feel very deeply ashamed. Which leads me to why I’m here writing in the very subreddit that’s most hated by all of trans land.
A couple of months ago I had a mental breakdown when it really clicked in my head what changes my body has now gone through, and I almost killed myself. My girlfriend convinced me to go to the hospital and I voluntarily went in to inpatient psych care for a little over a week. The psychiatrist, therapists, nurses, and other patients were all surprised that I’m female but were all very supportive and unfortunately very encouraging of my transition. I say unfortunately because it’s transition that led me there. It was the realization that this is stupid and wrong, and that I’m just betraying myself by doing this and I’ve probably destroyed my body permanently in some ways, and I wasn’t suicidal because I was transgender but instead I was suicidal because I’m not transgender and I forced myself to become transgender because everyone else was forcing me to become transgender. Anyways, there was only one person I saw there, the counselor who led group, who actually bothered to listen to me and not say something dumb like “transition is hard and you’re freaking out but it will get better”. This woman listened to me and saw the real me, the female me, and she is the one who told me to come here. She’s a member here I guess and she told me that there are quite a few other people like me here.
Soooo, why did it take me a couple of months to finally say something here and why am I worried about getting banned from transreddit? After leaving the hospital, despite knowing the truth and despite my feelings about everything, I continued my T injections. After coming out trans the only family I have left is trans. All of my friends are trans, nb, or gq. The only non-trans person in my life is my girlfriend, and she won’t date girls so I know she’d probably break up with me if I went back to being one. So my girlfriend would leave me and I’d suddenly be completely alone, friendless, family-less, and hopeless if I do anything other than continue pretending to be a man. But I did take the counselor’s advice, and I did come here. I’ve been reading every post here and your sister subreddit for almost a month. I agree so much with almost everything I read here in your comments and on the GC blogs you link to. When I read some of you saying you would have ended up like me if you’d been born later I feel that really deeply, because I feel like if I’d been born earlier I wouldn’t have become transgender. I would be a lesbian. I am a lesbian. Except now I’m a lesbian who looks like a young man and kinda sounds like a young man and of my girlfriend leaves me I’ll probably never find another woman, a real female-loving-only lesbian, who would be with me.
I’m done now. It felt so amazingly good to write this and escape trans land for a while, but I have to go back now.
Thank you to the counselor here who led me here. I really do appreciate you talking to me like I actually matter and that it’s not the most important thing in the world that I just keep the trans thing going. And I’m so sorry that what I’ve written here has probably disappointed you. I just can’t escape it, not yet anyways. Thank you to the rest of you amazing women here too. You actually stand for real equality and you’re all so strong. I hope eventually I can find that same strength and escape my present situation so I can join you without being incognito.
This is exactly the sort of thing that I am scared of. Young lesbians are pressured into taking testosterone by people who believe they’re being progressive and trans-inclusive. Many young people who believe they should be the opposite sex will turn out to be lesbian or gay. It is normal and common for lesbians to wonder if they should have been men. It’s normal for us to like the things that men are supposed to like, according to gender stereotypes.
This young woman went to the hospital because she was suicidal and only one person there actually noticed that she was female and struggling with the fact that she was pressured to transition. For God’s sake, health care workers, not all these kids who take artificial hormones really believe they are the opposite sex. Consider that the kid who is suicidal and ends up in your care could actually be a lesbian or a gay male who is struggling with internalized homophobia and pressure to transition from a cult that wants everyone on hormones whether it’s right for them or not and won’t allow anyone to question it.
If you read this post, please also read the comments. This young woman says all her friends are trans and if she were to detransition she thinks she would be “crucified.” These fucking social justice warriors who are so pro-transition eat their own when they change their mind. That is not social justice. That is a disgrace! Thank goodness she has found the blogs of detransitioners and can talk to other women like her.
Thank goodness she is no longer feeling suicidal and is now feeling hopeful.
I am thinking of this woman and trying not to cry. If you ever end up on my blog, here is my message for you:
It’s always been hard coming out as a lesbian. It’s still very hard these days. But truly, things will get better for you. You’re not the only lesbian who has taken testosterone. You will find new friends who will love you as you are. You haven’t ruined your body. You’ve been through something awful and have scars now, but that is okay. I had a hard time coming out, and I went to therapy, and I felt suicidal a couple of times, but I have turned into a happy, well-adjusted lesbian with a loving partner. This is a future you can have, too. I welcome you to the lesbian community, sister. I’m sorry about what you had to go through to get here.