Does queer have anything to do with homosexual anymore?

This is a collection of thoughts regarding the “queer” community and how it’s changed from the gay community to the “people with cool identities” community.

This Tweet from Julie Bindel and a conversation with a friend yesterday got me thinking about some things.

Bindel Tweet

I don’t know who specifically Bindel is referencing here, but I do know that lots of straight people are “coming out” as all sorts of different special identities that seem to have something to do with “queer.” For example, this Tweet from Laurie Penny:

Penny Tweet

Her Twitter profile also says “genderpunk,” whatever that means. So what Penny is saying here, in plain English, is that she is in the dating scene and open to possibilities and also that she wears cool outfits. I’m not sure why that requires a “coming out.” I’m sure that at least half of young people in Western countries would actually fit this description. It certainly doesn’t require the type of coming out I had. I had to have an awkward and tearful conversation with my parents where I explained to them that I didn’t just love my friend because we were friends, I loved her in a lesbian sort of way. And this awkward and horrible conversation occurred after years of my own denial and emotional work that I had to do to understand what my feelings for women meant about me. I’m doubtful that these Tumblr-style special snowflake identities require the sort of “coming out” that homosexuals go through.

Not long ago I was at a lesbian friend’s party and I met a dominatrix. She was very chatty and told us all about the BDSM scene around here and how it changed after it went mainstream. Now, I’m not a BDSMer, but this is an excellent anecdote. She used to have lots of work as a domme, but as the scene became more popular and more people wanted to join, there ended up being lots of people there who were neither sadists nor masochists but who just wanted to be a part of a cool scene. She described it like this: all these new people want to join the BDSM community, but all they do is show up at parties in cool outfits, and they don’t actually do the stuff.

This really clicked for me, because this is what’s happened with the queer community. We used to be the gay and lesbian community, and the reason we were a community is because all of us were getting bashed and called “queers” for acting on our same-sex attractions. (And sometimes, before we had even gotten an opportunity to act on them.) We formed a community and fought for our rights, and eventually we went mainstream. Now there’s tons of people who want to be queer and who make up all sorts of identities for themselves, so that they can claim to be a part of the queer community, even though they’re not actually homosexuals. Once again, people want to show up at the party wearing a cool outfit but they don’t actually do the stuff.

I was talking to a friend yesterday about what’s happened to Gay-Straight Alliances in schools. They used to exist for lesbian and gay students. Now they’ve turned into Gender Diversity clubs and they’re all about promoting and respecting people’s identities. I’m not sure if this does anything to serve gay and lesbian students, and I kind of doubt it. I think there are probably gay and lesbian students who need these clubs and who join them, but instead of being supported as homosexuals they’re being taught how to transition. I’m guessing if you took a look at a group of kids in one of these gender diversity clubs, you’d find a few straight kids who are there to wear cool outfits and base their identity on that, and a few kids who are lesbian and calling themselves “genderqueer” or “trans men” and a few kids who are gay and calling themselves “genderqueer” or “trans women.” I hope I’m wrong and I hope there is support for homosexuals in these groups, but based on all the crap I’ve been reading online it doesn’t sound like it.

Perhaps I’m starting to sound like an old curmudgeon who is lamenting that the good old days are gone. But I’m worried about these “genderqueer” kids who are taking artificial hormones and who are going to eventually realize that they were just a good old-fashioned homosexual the whole time and should have been just accepting that. Finding out you are gay has always been confusing, and I think it might be a more confusing process now than it was when I did it.

I feel completely alienated by the queer and GLBT community because it doesn’t seem to have anything to do with homosexuals anymore. I stared at a flyer yesterday for a gender diversity club and the symbol it had on it—a round circle with multiple gender symbols coming out of it—and I thought, this does not seem like the club I would need if I was a young lesbian coming out. For many years, whenever I saw a rainbow flag or the word Pride I knew that was for me, and it made me feel at home. I don’t feel at home looking at this trans symbol with lots of different genders on it. I’m not looking for an identity to try on.

I’m just a homosexual female living her life. I live with my female partner. We give each other love and affection. Every year I bring her home for Christmas with my family, and we are the only homosexuals standing out among a group of conventional heterosexuals. Every year we file our taxes as a common-law same sex couple. Everyone I meet at work and in my activities knows my partner is female. I am seen as homosexual because that’s the life I live. It has nothing to do with me choosing an identity. I’m getting kind of uncomfortable with these people who just want to show up at the party in a cool outfit but not actually do the stuff. I actually do the stuff.

It seems as if “oppressed person” has become the trendy thing to be. You know you are a bourgeois wanker when you actually think that taking on the identity of an oppressed person is a cool thing to do.

69 thoughts on “Does queer have anything to do with homosexual anymore?

      • It would surprise me. But only because they’d have to friggin organize it.

        I really really really hope the stupid Gender Diversity Clubs are NOT like that. WTF? For the first time in human history there’s this mainstream thing invented to help gay people, it lasts what 8 years? And then it gets absorbified into some other thing that is stupid and shitty. Ugh.

        Also I’m old enough to remember when nobody would have even imagined wanting to be fake gay. Is this another porn driven thing?

        If someone is playing about with being fake gay, say something about ‘historically, gay people, psychiatry’ and see if they react. If it’s a look of total incomprehension, well then you’ll know where you stand with them. ☹☹☹:-(

        Liked by 3 people

  1. I believe some of this ‘cool outfit’ thing has to do with the search for an authentic culture and ethnic way of life. In absence of a real struggle to survive against nature, in context of a real group, it is tempting to take on the trappings and mistake that for the real thing.

    Liked by 5 people

  2. All I know is there are more identities being discussed and expressed and named and re-named than some of us can keep up with. I try not to be an ignorant jerk. I try to put myself in the shoes of people who have gender and sexuality differences and understand (to whatever degree a straight “cis” female can) what challenges people in different parts of the spectrum are facing. But, dude, really?

    I think you are absolutely right. Some people seem have taken it to the level of out-queering each other for the sake of being one of the cool kids. And I can’t imagine how that will mess with their lives in the future. Of course many people have gender or sexual identity confusion and need to navigate through that. But some people seem to be nothing more than posers, out to steal the spotlight for a moment or two. Meanwhile, their little game makes a mockery of the people who really are being oppressed.

    I don’t want to condemn people. But a poser is a poser is a poser. And your BDSM party analogy is excellent. Some of the people showing up just think it’s a fashion show. And that does a huge disservice to the people who are genuinely struggling with an actual coming out or the day-to-day living as someone who is not hererosexual and cis. Dare I say it–Rachel D-what’s-her-name, faking her heritage and claiming to be black? Seems there are some serious similarities here.

    Liked by 3 people

    • I always think of these posers as hipsters — gender hipsters. You know that a-hole sitting across the bar wearing a BJ and the Bear T-shirt? He’s never seen an episode of the show, but he likes the ironic prestige of wearing the shirt. **Vomit**

      Liked by 4 people

      • I love that you said the BJ and the Bear tshirt. I am in my early 40s and sometimes get crap for my vast tshirt collection, some of which I wear in public, but ALL of which I acquired because the graphic is meaningful to me: either from places I travel to and love, musicians I adore (i have 9 The Cure tshirts because I have loved them for 30 years and will continue them no matter how insane Mad Bob becomes), movie references which still entertain me (Spinal Tap!/ Intravenous di Milo album cover art), and causes I advocate for with my voice and my dollars (anti-domestic violence laws etc). If I had ever run across the BJ and the Bear shirt I would need to get it solely because I liked it so much that I drew a (really terrible) picture of the truck and the dude and his chimp in art class in elementary school and still have it.

        I suppose some people see me out of context or who think I am much younger than I am chronologically might mistake me for a hipster. Maybe I am? I hope not. I’ve never been one to buy into fads or trendy anything–I’m almost the only person I know who made it through college in the 90s without a tattoo! I don’t give a crap what people do in their sex lives as long as it is always consensual. I’m far more interested in what they know or want to learn, what they think about the world around them, and what kind of a person they are when the think no one is looking. Meanwhile, my mantra (stolen from a workplace advice columnist of all people) is Rex Huppke’s “BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING.” But i don’t need it tattooed on my inner wrist or the small of my back or anywhere else. I just need to live it and surround myself with likeminded people regardless of the sexual preferences or wardrobe choices. I don’t care if they look like Perry Farrell (who might be the original hipster??) or Mama Duggar, or Melanie Griffith in Working Girl. Just decent people and the motivation to never stop learning.

        God. I really hope that doesn’t make me a vile hipster.

        Liked by 1 person

    • “I can’t imagine how that will mess with their lives in the future”

      When they get tired of queering they’ll abandon the outfit and put their “straight” jacket back on. Lack of privilege can wear you down, especially if you’ve lost it for being something other than your “true, authentic self”.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Brilliantly put. I can’t any more than I can not be the S side of S/M stop being a lesbian. And I had the horribly embarrassing conversation with my parents too.

    It’s difficult and shameful and I feel I’ve let everyone down and I know my family wish I would stop. But it is me and I can do nothing about it.

    Liked by 3 people

  4. I really wonder if these adolescents (and stuck-in-adolescence adults) think “straight” means “straight and narrow” aka “unavoidably boring”. Is being an individual, even, dare I suggest, interesting, person, dependent on your sexuality or some sexual vagary? Is there nothing else that captures their imaginations? Are they desperately afraid of being uncool? Hipsters is the word for it, all right, with all the shallowness that implies.

    Liked by 5 people

  5. Queer apparently means genderqueer nowadays. I will get to meet someone who identifies as “queer”, whatever that means, and requires a * behind her* female gendered pronouns.

    I have hopes that she* is a transwoman who doesn’t want to appropriate female pronouns without pointing out the difference.

    However, I fear this might be a female person who feels a need to point out that she is not as feminine as us boring “cis” women because she dislikes lipstick, or something.

    Maybe someone here can enlighten me regarding modern language use?

    Liked by 1 person

      • I was deep in queer BS up until recently, but I started being suspicious when I saw people calling themselves bi-curious at age 18. At 23, I got bored with the special snowflake stuff and didn’t pay attention to it. A few months ago, I hit Peak Trans and fell hard on my face, thanks to stupid, head-shaking Tumblr memes and finding refuge on the fabulous Gender Trender. I just turned 26, so it’s not just “old folks.” Now, I rarely tell me my orientation or gender identity, because I’m tired of hearing people tell me about the time they came out to their anime club as a non-binary astrogender panromantic demisexual. No, really, I’ve heard that kind of stuff.

        By the way, can I mention how much it irritates me that some younger women go out of their way to “identify” out of anything feminine? Yes, I know gender is a prison that oppresses women (and also harms men), and no, traditionally feminine things are not inherently part of the female experience. But when I see women trying to differentiate themselves from those “other” women, who are too feminine, sissy, wimpy, etc. for them and do so by claiming they are some kind of non-binary and thus not really female, I can’t help but think they have internalized misogyny. When I see women insulting men they don’t respect by calling them names that reference things femininity or female anatomy, or slurs like “sissy” (or “cissie”), that bothers me to no end.

        Liked by 3 people

        • “But when I see women trying to differentiate themselves from those “other” women, who are too feminine, sissy, wimpy, etc. for them and do so by claiming they are some kind of non-binary and thus not really female, I can’t help but think they have internalized misogyny. ”

          Absolutely. I think the same. Not that I cannot understand them, but I do resent them quite a bit for being so cowardly, especially if they are grown women, not insecure teenagers.
          Instead of standing there, proudly, and saying “I am a woman. This is what a woman looks like. Cope with it!” they try to explain away their lack of femininity performance by claiming to not be real women. It is annoying.

          Of course, there are worse women – those who try to assign ME a non-binary gender because I am not feminine enough. Some do this subtly “But don’t you just want to feel like a woman at least sometimes?” when I actually “feel” like a woman all the time, because, duh, I am one. (I get this mostly from non-genderists. Conservative women who think they need to be submissive and wear impractical clothes to “feel like a woman” are the earth in which the weed of genderism grows.)

          Liked by 4 people

        • I actually DO perform femininity to some degree, as well as masculinity And androgyny when it suits me, and I still get criticized for doing femininity wrong or not doing it enough. I used genderqueer to describe myself at one point because I have a presentation and interests that are all over the map. However, I never deluded myself that my gender changed my sex. When I started getting criticized for saying I am a biologically female genderqueer (because biology is transphobic), I dropped the generalised label and I’m just a boring old bio female now. If I must, I will call myself a stud fem or androgynous female.


  6. The problem with the Queer label is that it is a trendy thing for middle school to college age kids cause they think it’s hip and trendy. Even in the intersex community is have seen the Intersex name and label get reduced to a sex and gender identity instead of a medical condition. I just think that queer is meaningless and that it’s trying to play up to what ever is popular these days instead of living in reality.

    Liked by 5 people

    • I remember when queer became a thing. I’m guessing it started with Queer Nation but can’t be certain. The gay men’s community was getting decimated by AIDS. Lesbians were doing a lot of thankless crap work taking care of the dying. (The men basically hated us but no one else would help them.) That’s the backdrop to the era when it got “reclaimed”. Back then women still had our bookstores, bars and cafes. I think that what happened was that the definition expanded to include women (before that the word had always referred to mostly men) in order to harness lesbian activism in the service of men. It worked.

      Liked by 2 people

  7. I don’t know which is worse: living in the West where everyone is so touchy and needs so badly to be unique, super-special, trendy and oppressed all at the same time that all of this identity nonsense has exploded – or living where I do in China where everyone is forced to live (literally) the exact same heterosexual ‘dream’, and I had to contact a lesbian group in Hong Kong just to get unbiased, nonjudgmental Chinese-language information on homosexuality for one of my closeted and distressed lesbian students. Two extremes. Both sad.

    Liked by 3 people

    • Wow. The China situation is awful. And shows how far we haven’t come. We still need a gay rights movement that is functional.

      And you’re absolutely right about the most special and most oppressed all at once crap. Well put. It needs a name! Let’s all think of a name. Oh wait no that’s too much like the video purplesage posted with all the different kinds of sexualities. Dang. Less cute names, more equal rights.

      Liked by 3 people

  8. As a 26-year-old, internet-raised, old school bisexual (not pansexual or queer, just boring old bi) that has strongly preferred women since age 4 (I’m female), this post and the comments are spot on. Words don’t mean what they used to, nor do they have the same connotations. I can’t personally speak to the history of LGB, but a lesbian to me means a woman who is exclusive to other women and bisexual is someone with significant attraction to both sexes (but can prefer one over the other like I do). These days, I see women calling themselves lesbian that date men (and not just transparent, aka men, either) and women calling themselves bisexual who primarily, if not exclusively, live as straight people. (Of course we need to be cool, but still cash in on all that straight privilege)! Even those bisexuals that have actual substantial same sex attraction tend not to be interested in politics, rights or solidarity. They are bi for the cool factor and for (heavily pornified) sex. They tend to be into polyamory, kink, and knee deep in queer bullshit. In other words, they have nothing in common with me or, I suspect, most legit LGBs.

    I went to a local fantasy convention last May and was perusing the author’s alley for original works. One of the authors had a book jacket in which she described herself as an agender, biromantic asexual (!!!). That place was, also, knee deep in queer bullshit but that was a new one. In my day, someone who was attracted to both sexes (not genders, sexes, and there are only two!) was bisexual. And hint: It *can* just be romantic. It doesn’t have to be sexual, because believe it or not, just feeling sexual doesn’t obligate you to have sex with anyone. But you’re still bi even if you don’t have sex. The “biromantic asexual” thing, besides trying way too hard to be cool, also sounds like she’s trying to distance herself from the bisexual stereotype…That we have lots of sex with anyone and everyone and have no boundaries. Or that women are frigid (asexual) or basically defective unless they are available for sex. It didn’t seem to occur to her that it was possible to be attracted to someone and not want to have sex, similar to how the trans lobby doesn’t think it’s possible to be gender nonconforming and still be a full, healthy member of one’s bio sex. No we need a special label and we must match our bodies and our sexual behaviors to fit that label. Rant over.

    Those of you who have suggested that this trend is motivated by porn and/or hipster identity, you are absolutely right. I’m young enough to know many of th ed hipsters in person, and it’s sad to see how they are essentially copies of each other and tumblr SJW culture. They put their gender identity front and center of everything they do, it’s one of the first things you know about them, and there’s little diversity of thought or culture outside of fake tumblr specialities or genders. To my way of thinking, if you were really oppressed, you wouldn’t need to make your ID front and center because it already is, whether you want it to be or not. People knew since I was little that something was “wrong” with me and they’re even more convinced now that I’m 26, not married or dating, and no significant male connections. I don’t need to advertise it.

    I used to be baffled and insulted that gays and lesbians sometimes distrusted or outright disliked bisexual people. Now I see why and I can’t really blame them. This is a situation that bisexuals, transgender activism, and the various queer identities have created for themselves and gays and lesbians. We need to fix it. It also doesn’t help that our culture currently has an obsession with being hip, special, and oppressed and not having a sense of class politics that real activism (collective action for us, not just me and my special feelings) depends on.

    Liked by 4 people

    • Great comment!

      Especially about being sexual =/= having to rush out and have sex.

      I can never figure out whether pansexual means having an unfortunate interest in an ancient Greek god, or a kitchenware fetish, desperately hoping someone, anyone will fuck them, or will fuck anything with a pulse.

      Liked by 5 people

        • Polyamorous is the word that means non-monogamous. Panaexual is a way of leaving yourself open to people of any “gender” and therefore not killing people with transphobia through your sexual orientation.

          Liked by 3 people

        • Polyamory, now don’t get me started on that …

          I wonder how many trans snowflakes one kills by not being open to any of the, of either sex, ever? Does it have to be actual rejection, or do they fall down dedd even if they never ask, but No would be the answer if they did?

          Liked by 4 people

        • As far as I (and biology) are concerned, even if you are open to “all genders,” you’re still bisexual, since there are only two sexes (and yes, that includes intersex people. You can’t be ‘inter’ unless you’re between two of something). Likewise, you can fall in the middle of ‘left’ and ‘right’ but there are still only two directions. Since I’m homoflexible. According to trans ideology, I should be equally open to transwomen, but the biological reality of that would be make heteroflexible and I refuse to let that happen. I refuse to allow that to be erased. If that makes me transphobic, then I say trans activists are truth-phobic.

          Liked by 6 people

        • I am going to be generous and assume that “pansexual” means they are attracted to trans, too.
          Because it really does not follow from “bisexual” that one is also attracted to people who mutilated their body in order to look more like the opposite sex.
          (I am attracted to feminine men, to the point that I like men who have some feminine mannerisms, but men who claim to be women? Meh. Fake vaginas? Nope. I imagine it might be the same for many bisexuals.)

          I don’t know how it is with intersex people – maybe bisexuals are attracted to them, maybe not, maybe some heterosexual people are attracted to specific intersex indidivuals who look like their preferred sex.

          Liked by 4 people

    • Where I live a lot of lesbians have traditionally gotten a lot of crap for not wanting to date bi women. Since I’m a lesbian I actually understand why we wouldn’t. I had never heard a bisexual women express something similar although regarding a different aspect of the sex (m/f) dynamic. It seems like there are real and faux or diluted versions of the real deal in both categories. So it’s a bit ironic from my POV that someone bi might get rankled by someone who is essentially straight passing themselves off as bi, but I totally understand why. Bi women who aren’t or won’t be active with males should be embraced by (what’s left of) the lesbian community imo. It doesn’t really make sense not to.

      Liked by 1 person

      • This is long, so bear with me.

        Well, as much as I wish otherwise, I’m not the high priestess of true bisexuality, nor am I a mind reader, so I can’t point someone out and say whether they are fake or not. I think that even primarily straight identified bisexuals, if they have had any serious attraction of involvement with the same sex, or the gay community, they need the protections of the LG movement and (I hope) will contribute to it and protect it. However, if your claim to membership in the LGB community consists of you dating a girl for a few weeks in college to rebel against your parents, but for the rest of your life living as a straight person and cashing in on straight privilege…I have a hard time taking that person seriously as a sexual minority facing oppression. Also, having fleeting feelings of attraction is normal, even for exclusive straights or gays. Experimenting with hetero/homosexuality as a young person as part of a phase is also normal. It does not mean you are a permanent member of that class. Hell, what exclusive homosexual in the older generations didn’t experiment, or get coerced into, heterosexuality because it was normal or expected? But attaching yourself to a community for the rest of your life, because you had a few flings in college, then making everything in that community all about you? Nah, bro. Time for another hobby.

        Also, gay, lesbian, straight or bi, if you are apart of this community, contribute to it in a constructive way. Way too many people of my generation and younger, even if they are legitimately LGB, see gay pride and the gay movement as a commodity. They don’t know or care about AIDS, lesbian feminism, class privilege, gender nonconformity outside the trans umbrella, etc. It’s all fun, games, and show, much like the sparkle genders we see on Tumblr. Older generations risked their livelihoods, their reputations and their lives for a lot more than your right to wear a dildo in your pants or whatever the fuck. Any substantive political or cultural reform has long since left the LGBTQQIABBQWTF movement and is more or less a fashion show/live action porn. This is the the most obvious area of LGB lift where I see straight posers, people that basically come for the fashion and sex, and to gawk, but are with their opposite sex partners and have no intention of “doing the stuff.”

        I don’t like the way people play fast and loose with identities. It obscured the reality of what it’s like to live as a genuine carrier of that identity. Straight people acting “bi-curious” has created the expectation that bisexual people must be available for sex at all times with anyone. Being celibate or having boundaries is not allowed. It creates the impression that we are unfaithful, spread disease, and have shallow relationships. We must be up for any and all kinky sex since, in their minds, being bisexual is a kink in itself and we must, therefore, have other kinks. It creates the impression that being bisexual is purely a matter of choice or youthful experimentation. If I can be attracted to both sexes, then I can choose to love the “right” gender at any given time. I don’t need or deserve special rights since I can make the “right” choice at any time. If I’m already half straight, then if I tried/prayed/stuck to the treatment plan, my straight will take over my gay and I will be totally cured of my “disease.” None of those things are messages that a youth needs to hear when growing up alone in a conservative community. A less extreme, but equally offensive, message I hear from straights is that since bisexuality is about being curious, I just need to grow up and make a choice. My feelings, especially my homosexual feelings, aren’t real. It’s the equivalent of a teenager going through a tattooes-and-piercings phase and there’s no need to take me seriously.

        I can’t speak to being a gay or lesbian youth, but being “not-straight” for me meant playing with gender, both feminine and masculine, from a young age and being shamed by my mother and sister for it. Being called a slut, dyke, lezzie, man, or bi-slut by my classmates and by, of course, men. Having my boundaries violated left and right. Having rumors spread all over town about me, having bizarre accusations made about me, people telling me that I deserve to be killed, tortured, beaten up, jailed, or get horrible diseases because I’m a slut with no boundaries. Not knowing who I really was, feeling like a liar, etc. Very few straight-identified bisexuals, pansexuals, what have you have anything in common with that.

        I appreciate that you understand my POV, and that you see fit to include homo-oriented bisexuals into lesbian communities. I see strength in numbers.:) In any case, I respect the right of people to choose not to associate with me or have sex with me. I’m celibate anyway and I don’t need to make it “super speshul” by calling it ‘asexual,’ either. I use bisexuality to describe myself because it’s accurate for me and there’s no shame in it. It’s also out of respect for gays and lesbians and for the English language. I hate it when people are fuzzy with language, and lesbians suffer when people are fuzzy with the definition and concept of ‘lesbian.’ This is what has led to people believing that lesbian sex includes dick. If I feel a need to be more specific about my orientation, I say that I’m homoflexible. No need to steal the title for ‘cool’ points. I’m not here to be cool.

        Thank you, Purple Sage, for providing this forum to talk about things that are heresy in my age group. I’ve been nursing this in my bosom for some time and I’m so done.

        Liked by 5 people

        • Sorry, I should clarify. I’m not playing “no true Scottman” here. Bi problems are not all caused by straight people pretending to be bi. A lot of these people are legitimately bi and simply choose to not care about lesbians or the LGB collective. They choose to use straight privilege, to use the LGB movement to get sex or to be cool. And my apology might not mean much, but I’m sorry that gays and, especially, lesbians are suffering the consequences.

          Liked by 2 people

    • Great comment, especially about the lack of class consciousness. We need solidarity, not special snowflakism. It will be the death of working people to stay side-tracked on hipster, identity politics. The oligarchs are laughing all the way to the bank.

      Liked by 3 people

  9. @JoannaDeadWinter, your comments make a lot of sense. Something here that I want to mention briefly and am not looking for any special-snowflake treatment, I promise:
    When the hell will people STOP trying to tell me (or any other person, since several of my friends have experienced this) that I need to “admit” that I’m gay? I am a straight woman in her early 40s who has never married. I date men exclusively.i’ve been engaged twice. One was an abusive a-hole so I left before it got worse. The other ex-fiance wasn’t fully on board with the whole marriage thing so we called it off. I’ve had several other LTRs. But I haven’t been in a relationship of any significance for about 8 years. So now, older relatives and some acquaintences have decided to start scolding me: “Your eggs are drying up, what are you waiting for?” (As if I can snap my fingers and the “right” companion will suddenly appear) OR, “when are you just going to start dating women since you obviously don’t want a man?” (Um…Not at all true. I’m lonely as hell but I am not going to date random people or fake being of an orientation that I am not, just for the sake of curing loneliness).
    I cannot understand how in 2015 it is still not ok to be a single (but hopeful) woman. I cannot understand how, in 2015, people still speak and act as if being gay is something shameful and therefore a single straight person must actually be a closeted gay person. Thatis so disrespectful to everyone, gay or straight. I’m sick of it.

    Rant over. Thanks for being a space where I can say this and not get shouted down. You people rock.

    Liked by 7 people

    • I hear you, Melanie! I’m hetero, early fifties, and have never been in or wanted a relationship with anyone but one person (the one in my avatar – long story, never mind.) As far as randoms are concerned, I’m single and always have been, and I used to cop that nonsense about how I should be in a relationship, because not being in one is depriving some poor hypothetical man. Oh and babies, I surely want to have babies. Nope, not ever, not even if my man was here in the flesh.

      Liked by 2 people

      • I haven’t yet met a man who deserves me, so if Mr. Right doesn’t show up, it is his own fault that he’s deprived of my company. 😛

        Oh, and babies .., there’s such a thing as sperm donors. (Not that I would want to have children in the present political climate. Or with the current maternal mortality rate.)

        Liked by 2 people

        • Sperm donor isn’t an option for me. I don’t have the support network nor the economic stability that would require. I could never in good conscience deliberately attempt it when I’m not prepared to do it without help. Not to mention, at my age, fertility may be pretty dicey so using a donor wouldn’t be practical.


        • I haven’t yet met a man who deserves me, so if Mr. Right doesn’t show up, it is his own fault that he’s deprived of my company. 😛

          Quite right, too!

          I used to have two answers when I’d get the “but baybeeees” crap. One was that I would rather give birth to kittens, thank you. The other, for hard cases, was “The child I have will be the next king of France or I’m not having it.” This caused utter confusion, as intended, and made them either go away or change the subject.

          (In case anyone asks, there were no queens regnant in France, so I couldn’t say “next queen”.)


        • @Melanie: The lack in support network has also to do with political climate, doesn’t it? If governments really wanted us to have more babies (as at least mine pretends to) they could make things easier for mothers, including single mothers. As things are, some right-wing extremists cry for a ban on abortions, but changing things so that women would WANT children? No, of course not.

          @depaysement: Have you considered demanding a kitten-uterus-transplant so that you can give birth to kittens? 😛
          Or do you lack the male entitlement to do that? ^^

          Liked by 1 person

        • @sellmaeth: everything you say is true; I certainly agree. However, in my situation, I lack a direct support network of family/friends who would be able to assist, for reasons of finance, existing obligations, or lack of physical proximity. I grew up very poor and have limited resources in every way. So even if the political climate were family-friendly in practical policy matters such as universal childcare and paid family leave, my personal situation is still not conducive. It breaks my heart but I won’t compromise my principles. I have very personal reasons for not wanting to deliberately bring a child into the world with only one parent from the start. I don’t have an opinion on what others do but for me it is best not to try. Perhaps my situation will change in time for me to try, but time it short. If the practical considerations improve a good deal and I am unable to have my own, I would foster and/or adopt, as several of my friends (all at least 900 miles distant!) are currently attempting the foster process. I used to work in human services and I know how desperately solid foster homes are needed. I admire those who do it and hope I can contribute the same way in future.
          Incidentally–the issues of gender identity and sexuality were a messy topic that everyone avoided when I worked in a group home of teenaged girls in protective custody. I hope it has improved since then (I left 15 years ago), but I doubt it has been addressed in any meaningful way.


  10. Couple of thoughts:
    The disappearance of Lesbian underneath the Queer umbrella really gets up my goat!!!
    … and …
    Remember ‘Lesbian Chic’, and ‘I don’t believe in labels?’ … ahh, the good old days.

    Liked by 1 person

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