How watching porn affected me—Stormynightbooks’ story

1) I started watching porn, voluntarily, at 12 years old and it fucked me up. I was thinking/fantasizing about sex constantly, the combination of porn and the mind-killing boredom I found in school. I occupied myself with masturbating in class (I don’t think I was ever found out), masturbating in the school bathrooms, I probably talked about with one of my equally ‘more mature’ female friends. It made me desperately want to have a dick, because I only watched gay male porn. I kept doing this stuff into high school.

2) I knew it was disgustingly awful to women inside myself, I couldn’t bear to watch porn with women being abused in it ‘cause I think I recognized it for what it was. But my ‘tastes’ ran exclusively in the BDSM area, so I solved my moral quandary by just watching gay male porn. I still always felt bad after watching it, but I interpreted it as being disgusted by myself.

3) I quit it as soon as I found radical feminist analysis of it, and intellectually realized how bad it was. However, by then, when I was about 17, I was legit addicted to porn. I was not able to go more than a few days without watching it no matter how hard I tried but, I managed. Probably because I was in a relationship at the time and was at least being regularly touched by someone which soothed the urges. Now, I still struggle with powerful urges to watch it when I’m lustful and lonely in the middle of the night because I cannot masturbate without thinking of vile fantasies that make me sick, and those fantasies make me want to watch porn.

4) My female friends that I knew were watching porn did the same thing I did, only watching the gay stuff because the stuff with women in it was too real. They all fantasized about being gay men and seemed like they couldn’t talk without talking about sex.

This post is a part of an ongoing series of interviews from women who have watched porn. If you would like to share your story of how porn affected you, please email psage681@gmail.com.

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2 thoughts on “How watching porn affected me—Stormynightbooks’ story

  1. Oh gosh, Stormynightbooks, my heart is breaking for you. If it already got so bad that you were masturbating in class, I can’t imagine what would have happened if you hadn’t found a reason to quit. And isn’t that scary? If even teenage girl porn addicts masturbate in class, I feel like there’s going to be an epidemic of men watching porn and masturbating in public places any time now, or perhaps already. What an awful mess capitalist patriarchy has created! I am so happy you’ve found feminism, Stormynightbooks!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Yes. I wish I was a gay man because of pornography. Women are abused nothings in straight porn, abuse each other in “lesbian” porn. No thanks. Only two men together can be human, have fun, not hurt each other, actually both have orgasms, and not wear stupid costumes. And both of them are similar in age and attractiveness level. A female body turns sex into abuse.

    Like

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