How watching porn affected me—Sofia’s story

1) What effect did porn use have on your ideas about sexuality and your sexual behaviour?

It definitely skewed what I thought sex was supposed to be and I tried to adapt my sexuality to what porn showed me. I was meant to enjoy rough sex, I had to enjoy being felt up and groped. It led to me putting myself in situations where I wanted to and allowed men to do these things to me, thinking that it was good and right. Between the ages of 13-15 I had a really big crush on this guy a year above me (and I will note he watched and probably still watches porn avidly. We would discuss porn often) and when he knew that I liked him things became really sexual between us, whenever possible. We’d go to the movies (either alone or with other people) and he would grope my breasts or touch my thighs, this happened a lot. I can also recall one instance at a party we were in the same room with other people, but as soon as they left I was pushed into a corner and he just, like, groped and pressed against me from behind… At the time I liked it or wanted it, but again, it was conditioned behaviour and looking back on it now I can see the abusive nature of it all. I would definitely not repeat the process, but there are times where I find myself seeking out or fantasizing about similar situations. I think it’s something about how victims of certain traumatic situations will seek out a similar setting and re-traumatize themselves in an effort to change the first instance of trauma? Maybe. I know that I still today have bad urges to do things like, having sex with a guy in a public bathroom or letting someone grope me at a bar and I suspect that the times I pursue these urges are definitely due to what happened to me.

Also, the compulsory heterosexuality in the scenes, even so-called lesbian ones, made me look at sexual relationships as having to include men otherwise they weren’t “real”.

2) Did you notice how misogynist it was and how did you react to the misogyny?

I did not notice the misogyny until much later, after giving it up. I began watching at a very young age, maybe 12/13 years old and was addicted to it for many years. When I was younger I watched daily, but started to taper off before giving it up completely around 19 years old. I know that before I stopped I saw the misogyny as normal. It does, after all, reflect society and how men treat us in public. I just thought it was natural, but it definitely led me to sexualize myself or objectify myself. Obviously I knew I was a person but I saw myself as less than, I was a sl*t and c*m guzzling wh*re, all of that and more. The sex being shown in porn was just how it was, pain was supposed to be there and women are supposed to suffer, was how I saw it.

3) What made you stop watching it?

I stopped watching porn mainly because I’d become so desensitized by it that it did nothing for me anymore. I had grown bored with it, I had seen everything, and watched less and less. I completely stopped after reading many testimonials online by victims of the porn industry and watching some of Gail Dines’ talks on Youtube, that truly helped a lot.

4) What observations have you made in your acquaintances who watch porn and how it affects them?

I feel like I can definitely distinguish between men who watch porn often and those who don’t watch it as much. Those who watch it often seem to constantly be close to boiling point and are always ready to react violently towards women: whether it’s a rape joke or calling them names. Men who don’t watch porn as avidly still react aggressively towards women and turn to the same insults and dehumanizing words used in the videos, but to a lesser degree.

I haven’t consciously noticed anything in women that might result from watching porn besides the general sexualisation/objectification they might do to themselves and others around, particularly when they see other women as competition and might insult them using those same words used in porn.

This post is a part of an ongoing series of interviews from women who have watched porn. If you would like to share your story of how porn affected you, please email psage681@gmail.com.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s