How watching porn affected me—Cheki’s story

1) What effect did porn use have on your ideas about sexuality and your sexual behaviour?

Um….it gave me fresh ideas 😦 I already had a distinct sadistic turn of thought when it came to sex, so I searched out stuff which was more like that. Things I hadn’t imagined myself, it told me about, and I incorporated them more into my fantasy life. This was really quite unhealthy.

I was a sadist before I watched any porn, and the best guess I have for this was as a child I experienced some violent and uncontrollable events going on round about me (death and suicide of grandparents, major terrorist incident) and I was in some strange way thinking “I can’t stop the violence, but I can control it by being the violent one.” When the Internet gave me easy access to porn that is what I looked for.

2) Did you notice how misogynist it was and how did you react to the misogyny?

I did when I saw male on female porn, especially the way that the women were referred to. I was not all that interested in that anyway being a lesbian, but I found men saying things like “take it you slut” or using “bitch” was distasteful. Partly this is because I have very specific scenarios but partly because it made the whole thing tacky. I couldn’t have told you why I felt that way though except it just seemed wrong.

3) What made you stop watching it?

Talking to radfems basically. I had made loads of excuses for watching lesbian S/M porn. It’s two (or more) women, it can’t be sexist or misogynistic! I had a tough day at work, don’t I deserve a bit of relaxation? Everyone else does it! I had always heard the sex pozzie line that “if you get off to it it’s good and it’s up to you.” Of course this was very convenient to me because I wanted justification for watching women being tortured.

Radfems were patient with me, even though they found my interests utterly repulsive, and explained to me that my justifications were wrong and I was just trying to make excuses for myself. The more I thought about it and the more I had it explained to me, the stronger my belief was that I should stop watching/looking at porn. I haven’t done so in a while now although I still get very tempted.

4) What observations have you made in your acquaintances who watch porn and how it affects them?

I think it does two bad things to you. First of all it makes you disrespect other women. As you can tell from the above I have issues with this anyway but I hear acquaintances that watch porn talk casually in disrespectful terms of women in porn as though they had become dehumanised. It’s like they are an “it”. For example, when I watched porn I would swap stories of things I’d seen with people and we spoke in really bad terms of the women, in ways we would never speak about women at any other time.

The second one is that it encourages you to watch worse and worse, like an addiction. I already was starting off from a particularly bad point but after a while nothing seemed to be enough, and I have noticed this in other people too. I didn’t start off with “soft” porn but of those who did, they graduated quickly onto the harder stuff. I started off with the harder stuff and ended up in a bad place indeed.

5) Anything else you want to add.

I would definitely say do not get pulled into the porn thing at all. I was really repressed and frustrated when I started using it as release and I was trying not to admit to myself my lesbianism (I’d given up on trying to pretend I wasn’t a sadist). Until, you know, what I was looking at was making it fairly obvious. Good girls aren’t lesbians, where I come from 🙂 So I would fiercely deny it and pretend that I fancied men even though I didn’t. I even made up fancying people to anyone who asked and went out with men (this always went horribly wrong). So yeah, I could look at porn and it was a bit of a release or escape valve. It also made me more familiar with things I wanted to know about how women…were together, what things happened, etc. I don’t recommend porn as sex ed! But I had a difficult time coming to terms with my sexuality and I think that is why I was drawn to it.

What I increasingly stopped doing was viewing the women as human. They were just objects I could enjoy looking at. If someone ever said to me, what about these women, what about their lives, I would have first of all changed the subject (because I knew I was guilty) but soon the more porn I looked at I started to be more callous towards them. They were things that existed to get me off, not people.

In conclusion, it’s horribly tempting for me, and I still have days where I’m thinking “You know that site? It hasn’t gone away you know…” But thanks to feminist comrades I can say I won’t be involved in this business any more no matter how tempted I am.

The sex-pozzies say that there can’t be anything wrong about sex. I saw a post saying “Hey, if you enjoy humiliation porn, nothing wrong with that!” Yes, there is. As I am wrong, and while I can’t remove the wrongness, I can stop using porn which contributes to it.

This post is a part of an ongoing series of interviews from women who have watched porn. If you would like to share your story of how porn affected you, please email psage681@gmail.com. 

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One thought on “How watching porn affected me—Cheki’s story

  1. Thanks for sharing, Cheki. (I didn’t assign Cheki a fake name because I knew everyone would recognize her anyway! 🙂 )
    I did feel a little sad at the end when you said that you are “wrong” and that you “can’t remove the wrongness.” I just don’t think that people can be described as “wrong.” Behaviours and actions can certainly be defined as wrong, but not people. I think what matters is our actions and how we treat people. I’m sure lots of us have fantasies about dominance and submission and unequal relationships because we are constantly taught that these things are sexy by porn and other popular media. But the fantasies we are taught to have, however wrong they may be, don’t define us as people.
    I was interested that Cheki says she’s still tempted to watch porn. I’ve also heard a young feminist say it was hard for her to quit. The liberals like to paint feminists as being pearl-clutching prudes but actually we are living in the same world as they are and consuming the same media and the difference is that feminists are willing to confront the misogyny they’re seeing and willing to stop using misogynist media, whereas liberals just make excuses for it or pretend it’s not there. Plenty of anti-porn feminists have watched porn. We know why we’re against it precisely because we’ve seen it and know what it is.

    Liked by 1 person

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